Ali Martell: Straight Up, With a Twist


The Time I Smelled The Toothbrush

Related: I Am Gross

So, I found a toothbrush under the sink in my bathroom.

It was black. I couldn’t remember ever buying a black toothbrush. I smelled it, and it didn’t smell minty or bubble gummy. It maybe, possibly, if you held it at the right angle, looked unused.

And then I brushed my teeth with it.

Now, before you go and judge me for using what might be someone else’s toothbrush or may very well have been sitting underneath that sink for the last 10 years….you must really understand the desperation of the situation.

You see, I live in a house that is a giant black hole. Things go missing on a daily basis. Some are found in the most absurd of places. Missing nail clipper? In the laundry room, of course. Missing bra? On the floor in Isabella’s closet, of course. Missing school phone directory? In the linen closet. Missing lego Millenium Falcon? In the attic, naturally.

But then there are the things that go missing and never get found. Isabella’s Strawberry Shortcake movie? Gone without a trace. Socks, pants, shirts, hoodies, books, flash drives, chargers, brushes, mascaras, pens, bras, games, tweezers.


And now to be added to the “disappeared into the abyss” list.

I looked everywhere it could possibly be. I looked everything it couldn’t possibly be. I mean, you guys, I looked in the goddamned dishwasher.


So, then I searched for a spare. An unopened toothbrush. I mean, there are at least 85,000 rolls of paper towel and probably 11,000 rolls of toilet paper in the garage, in case the world runs out of paper on rolls. Apparently, though, if the world runs out of toothbrushes, this house is shit out of luck.

I finally found the black one. Under the sink. And I used it.

Don’t judge me.

Instead, spend your time pondering how it is that I found my toothbrush the very next day.