How To Handle Hurtful Comments

I remember the first time I got a hurtful comment at the end of one of my articles. My Is It Ever Okay To Spank A Child? article was published in The Atlantic, and I had no idea how far people would go in their comments. Many called me cruel names, challenged my role as a “parenting expert” and one man even called me a “psychopath.” My heart pounded, stomach flipped and a big whooshing feeling of adrenaline soared through my body. A year-and-a-half later, I now have a plan to address these types of comments (and when someone is unkind to me personally), which I’d like to share.

To understand more about what pushes a person to be outwardly mean, and how to respond to that, we have to understand a bit about how our brain and instincts work. There’s a part of the brain often called the “reptilian brain” which drives our protective instincts. When we feel attacked, this part is activated, shooting messages to our body parts to respond to the threat. Messages of defense to fight or run (often called “fight-or-flight”) are sent throughout our bodies. This part of the brain is typically irrational, as time isn’t given to be kind or caring, just safe. It’s the quick reaction that surges rage through a person in less than a second, makes you want to yell, or tells someone to attack.

A person can be mean when this reptilian brain is activated and time isn’t taken to reel it in. This happens when a person reads, sees, feels or hears something that hits close to home—a trigger for that person. In the case of spanking, (where I gets lots of practice handling mean comments!) usually the person lashing out was spanked as a child and feels a very strong need to protect himself, his parents, or the way he is raising his own kids. It’s hard to accept or feel that what you think works might be harmful.

The person writing the negative comment or saying the cruel thing is being controlled by their reptilian brain. This harsh comment (coming from the instinct to defend) also triggers that same spot in the receiver of that comment, creating a strong uncomfortable feeling that can make our stomach tighten, muscles flinch, heart pound and breath shorten—which are exactly the things necessary to launch a counter attack. You’re in a great position to jump higher and run faster than you could even imagine. You’re in a crappy position to respond thoughtfully and considerately on a computer or in person.

Here are the steps to handle this situation and shift from the irrational to rational part of the mind:

Stop. Do not respond immediately. Do not announce the comment to friends/ through social media. Do not feed the troll.

I have a rule that I don’t respond to harsh comments for at least four hours or talk to anyone other than my husband about it. (He often is a good voice of reason.) It can be very easy to worsen the situation by jumping to tell other people or commenting back immediately. Outrage is contagious so do your part to cut the drama and not make the negative energy worse.

If you respond to the negative comment from your irrational place, you’ll just keep activating each other. That’s also the reason you don’t shout at a shouting person.

Notice what is getting activated in you.

Pay attention to what is happening in your body: What muscles are being tensed? What are you thinking? What do you wish you could say? What tingling or buzzing is happening? Don’t do anything about it yet; just notice it. I will often write the answers to these in a journal to see if I can figure out what is being triggered in me.

Activate your calm-down plan.

What can you do to calm yourself down? Establish a plan for any situation where you can pull yourself out of your reptilian mind and into the rational one. My self-talk can really hijack me so my plan includes first giving that negative inner voice a firm talking-to. I say things like, “This person is flipping out. This is not about you. He is mean because he doesn’t know HOW to be kind—that’s not your fault.”

The next part for me is to sit and breath until most of the whooshing, heart pounding and muscle tensing goes back to normal. Some of my clients like to run that energy out—if that works for you in a way that doesn’t hurt your body, go for it! Find a plan that works for you, and find a way to remember to do it when your reptilian brain is activated at an inopportune time.

Consider any small level of truth to the comment.

Perhaps the person did have a valid point but had a very unhelpful way of trying to make that point. Just consider for a moment if any part of the comment has a small level of truth. If “yes,” think about what you can learn and change moving forward. If “no,” don’t own any of the comment. Leave it with the person who said it—he likely has challenges of his own and doesn’t need your bad wishes on top of that.

Respond from your rational mind.

If comments are over-the-top terrible, I don’t respond at all. If someone says something that isn’t too harsh, as a man did in this article (yup, another spanking piece), I try to plant a seed of rationality.

If you scroll to the bottom, you can see how I tried to do that. The one comment was easy because he claimed that I likely was not a parent. I could very straightforwardly speak to this by pointing out where my biography is found. I always address the person by name, “Hi Alan” (if the person provides a name) and say, “Thank you for reading my article.” I’m not lying, I really am grateful because perhaps something got into their rational mind and will eventually be helpful (and he took the time to read and respond.)

Calmly address the point underneath the foul language without launching back. This really does take practice. The first time I tried, people would often keep commenting harshly, so I tweaked things to try and avoid this. Address what might have motivated the comment—try to see the article through his lens.

Give up the need for having the last word.

Some people will comment back just because they feel compelled to have the last word; let them have it. You have processed and analyzed the comment and said your piece—that should be enough.

I post all the articles I write onto my Facebook page. I invite you to look through those, and the comments on that page, to see how I address them. As this is also a process for me, I’d love to hear if you see anything I could have done more softly or effectively.