Kids and public restrooms flooded the news recently (see what I did there?) for all the wrong reasons. My philosophy is pee and let pee. Keep calm and pee on. This is easier said than done when it comes to actually peeing in a public restroom with one’s kids in tow. Here are some of the challenges that await you:
1. While you’re lining up to go in, your child will develop a suspicion that, despite evidence to the contrary (locked door and somebody’s sandaled feet on the floor), one of the stalls is actually free. They will try to prove it.
2. Once in, your neat freak toddler will decide to wipe the seat BEFORE he uses it. He might also decide that he cares deeply about his freedom of choice to use his bare hands to lift the toilet seat up.
3. You will both need to use the washroom, but you will let your child go first because that’s just the kind of mother you are – an idiot. By putting your child first, you are basically telling them “I like the game I Want to Break Free from the Washroom While Mama is Peeing just as much as you do! Let’s play!” Your child can pick up on signals like that, and once it’s your turn, attempts to escape at different stages of the process - none of them flattering to you - will be made. You will have to use the foot and arm block – a skill developed into an art form by parents in public restrooms everywhere.
4. It probably won’t come as a surprise to you that your kid, who at this point had to wait for ten seconds while you chillax in here, is bored to tears. Literally. They will get inquisitive and go all science center on you. Loudly. “Mom, this is not a penis. Where does YOUR pee come from?”
5. Your kid (the toddler) will suddenly be struck by an overwhelming desire to explore the world using his senses, mainly touch (and if it’s Monday, then also taste). They’ll apply them liberally to the doorknob, walls, and toilet paper dispenser.
6. Your child’s natural inquisitiveness will extend to the next stall. Who IS this mysterious new friend? Get ready for the sideways block.
7. In attempt to conquer their immense boredom brought by this thirty-second torture, they will turn to live streaming and offer questions and commentaries that you and the friend in the next stall will never be able to un-hear.
8. If you’re visiting a public restroom with more than one child, your children may decide to go in together without you, because three in a washroom is a crowd. If they are boys, then one will inevitably pee on the other, and one or two will come out with their pants twisted to the side in a way that places the zipper directly over their hip.
9. Their shirts will be partially tucked in on the other side. And the pants are sitting rather high above their waists.
10. That zipper is probably unzipped.
11. The hand dryer is too loud.
12. The soap dispenser is out of reach.
13. You’re wanting to get off of this emotional rollercoaster before any of the other passengers identify you, and for some reason, pinning your child to the counter with your pelvis as you try to get soap from the out-of-reach-dispenser seems like the quicker option.
14. Their shirt is now wet just below the waist where you were pinning them to the counter and you’ll need to use the loud dryer. Good luck with your plan to stay incognito.
15. You’re almost ready for your walk of shame. The kids don’t seem rattled. Follow their lead. Remember to hold your head high.
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