Daddy Daycare


Daddy Daycare

I've been writing this blog now for six months and I've yet to write a post about the other half of my son's DNA. Is that selfish and rude or what? There was no immaculate conception here...so I should probably give a shout out to Cole's baby daddy (aka my husband, Tyler). 

Father's Day would have been an appropriate time to write a heart-felt blog. And I did write one. Sort of. And then I never finished it because someone started crying and distracted me (I'm not naming names, but I'm looking at you Cole)

Sigh. That is the new story of my life. "The things that I started and have left half-finished" Like the laundry, and my breakfast, and my partially shaved leg (Don't caress me above the knee...)

Anyway, onto the feature of this presentation—the other love of my life: Tyler Gregory Warman.

I can't believe that we just passed our 10-year anniversary (three years married)!!! You are my best friend, and despite your rancid farts and smelly feet, I love you to pieces. There is no one else in this world I'd rather procreate with. (Now THAT should go on a Hallmark card...) You make me laugh more than any comedian (except Louie CK—he's a pretty funny guy #suckabagofdicks) and you are so loving and supportive. How did I get so lucky?

Now, let's skip the rest of the mushy stuff now for a bit and talk about this upcoming weekend.

You are on full-time Daddy Daycare duty as I take 24 hours away from you and Cole and attend my best friends bachelorette party (although you're coming along with us and we will have our own hotel together—you're still "responsible" for our son...on your own...for the FIRST TIME IN FOUR MONTHS!)

Is your prosthetic man boob ready? Because it's YOUR TURN to do all the feeding, changing, and baby wearing (I'll adjust the ergo carrier for you beforehand, don't worry.) You recently figured out how to collapse the stroller, so I'm feeling slightly more confident now...

*insert scared face*

All jokes aside, I know you'll be fine—since you're already a very hands-on Dad. But the new-Mom in me is having some mini freak outs:

What happens if Cole starts crying and you can't get him settled?
Will you know his hunger cues?
Will you know his sleepy cues?
Will you dress him in nice outfits when you go out? (Of course you will—I packed the going away bag and everything matches, so you can't possibly screw it up!) haha. I'm mostly joking...

Honestly, when I really think about it: I think it's *I* who will have the hardest time. I've never been away from Cole for more than a couple of hours in the past four months. Whenever someone holds him for longer than 2 hours, I need to dive in for a kiss and cuddle. It's going to take all my strength not to scroll through the 2,000 photos of him on my phone every five minutes! Ahhh! New-Mom-Attachment-Issues!!!

No, no, no. I can do this. I can have fun with my friends while I leave our son in your loving and capable hands (and you will wash your hands if you touch a dirty door handle, right?) Haha. Again. I'm mostly joking...(there is sanitizer in the top zipper of the diaper bag—beside the baby tylenol and the camillia drops in case he is teething...)

Seriously...SERIOUSLY....I trust you. I love you. And I know that you and Cole will have a BLAST together. Dad-son bonding is essential, and it's also healthy for me to have some time away. (At least that's what I've heard from people who claim to know shit).

Thanks again for being so chilled out and awesome. I love you so freaking much (don't break our baby. I expect him returned in the same condition I gave him to you in: adorable and happy)  ;)


Dealing With Parenting Rage

Lack of Sleep + Everything Annoying = Mommy Rage

Dealing With Parenting Rage

I am normally good at being a chilled-out new mom. But right now, I am filled with a crimson rage. I just had the most annoying morning walk with my dog and I'm ready to snap. I don't know if there is such a thing, but I'm going to call this "mommy rage."

Lack of sleep for four straight f*cking months + everything that is irritating = mommy rage

Let me describe for you what I THOUGHT was going to be a lovely morning stroll.

I strapped Cole into his carrier, put the dog on the leash, flicked down my sunglasses and decided "why don't I treat myself to a latte this morning?" Fantastic. 

The sun was shining—it wasn't too hot, or too windy, "What a perfect morning!" (really it was the most annoying morning ever, in disguise).

First, I nearly got hit by a car (like I do most mornings) "Watch where you're going!" I yell at the d-bag in a mini van. Grrrr. I continue my way up the first hill and the dog starts pulling at the leash. Oh—he must have to poo. Nope. Just pee. Again. For the 10 thousandth time. Damn male dogs wanting to mark everything in sight. I yank on his leash and we make our way to the Italian bakery where I plan on getting my delicious latte.

I walk inside, and it's 100 thousand million degrees (yes, that is an accurate measure). I instantly begin sweating as I wait for my latte. It seems that my core temperature is rising with every degree she steams the milk. Finally it's done. I sprint towards the door and lean into it with all of my might. Too bad it's a PULL door. Aghhh. That's not embarrassing. 

Once I'm outside I realize the latte is almost too hot to hold, and have to find a fancy way of holding it so it doesn't burn my fingers or my baby. So I end up walking with my arm outstretched completely so that if I accidentally fall, I won't scald Cole. Great. This is comfortable. I look like a tightrope walker. Sort of.

Okay, I just have to make it home. I can do this. So I pick up the pace.

My body temperature has now increased by about 500% and the dog is only becoming MORE annoying, if that's even possible. He is pulling and pulling and pulling (he still hasn't pooped.) Okay, finally—a poo. So I balance the hot coffee on someone's rock garden ledge, as I do a deep lunge (with Cole in the carrier—while holding the dog) to pick up the poo. Awesome! It's hot and super smelly. I now proceed to carry the hot coffee, my baby, the dog, and a hot steaming bag of shit.

Never ever again will I think it's a good idea to "grab a latte" on my morning walk with the dog. Lesson learned.

I continue to walk home, and Cole is getting squirmy. The dog is pulling still, and I now have a rock in my sandal and my jogging pants (yes jogging pants—shut up) are about to fall off and expose my bare ass to the world. I'm pretty sure I have a plumber butt, and I don't even have a spare hand to pull up my pants. Aghhhhh!!!

I quickly waddle across the intersection and nearly get hit again by another car. "SLOW THE F*CK DOWN!" 

I'm now sweating and I make my way up my front step. I put the key in the door, put down my coffee, release my wild animal of a dog and run upstairs to put Cole (who is now asleep) into his crib so that I can type this blog as my rage is still fresh off the press!!!

Ahhh. Wow. That actually feels better to get that off my chest. My latte is now cold cuz I've neglected it in order to write, but my body temperature has at least returned to normal.

And best of all? The baby and the dog are both asleep.

Life is good again.


Four Steps to Creating the Perfect Mom Date


Four Steps to Creating the Perfect Mom Date

So I thought I should let you all know that I've started dating again. My husband is very supportive & always asks how my dates went. And even though this is unfamiliar territory for me, I've really been enjoying myself and have had some great dates! 

Now before you get your panties in a knot, I should probably clarify that I am talking about MOM DATES. That's right. As a new Mom, you want to meet other new moms, so.... You go on MOM DATES! 

If you're like me, you might not have a lot of friends (or a lot of friends nearby)...wait for it—there is more to this sentence...that also have babies ;)

Therefore, you need to reach out and meet new friends. Friends who have baby vomit stains on their shoulders. Friends who know what meconium, episiotomy, and VBAC mean. Friends who understand what it means when you have to cancel lunch dates because you didn't sleep and it's actually dangerous to drive.

So...where do you meet these new Mom friends? How does one go about Mom-Dating? What does one wear on a Mom Date? What if your new Mom-friend has an ugly baby? (Not all babies are cute, let's be honest here)

I will attempt to answer all of your excited questions one at a time. In list form. (If you know me, you know I love lists)

1. Where do you meet new mom friends?

You can meet new mom friends in a variety of places. Some places are more ideal than others. For example. You could meet a new mom WHILE you're in the hospital. You could walk into her room as she's in labour (I recommend around 7cm dilated) and say "Hey, nice to meet you! My name is ____. Once you're done here, wanna grab a coffee?" However, there is a good chance she'll call hospital security and you won't hear from her. Soooo, you could resort to the internet—like I did. I joined a birth club on birthcentre.ca and we've since formed our own private facebook group. I've gone out on a few occasions with a couple of the Mom's I've met on there, and at the end of June we're planning a GTA Mom date at a nearby park!

Additionally you could also meet other new moms through your local health nurse / hospital (they often know of play groups in your area where local mom's meet up on a weekly basis). You could also scout out kid-friendly coffee shops (there are quite a few of these in Toronto) & just hang out there with your baby.

Failing these suggestions, you could always chill in the drugstore for hours on end, and when you see a woman purchasing a pregnancy test, you could say "Wanna be friends in 10 months?" 

2. How does one go about Mom Dating?

Well, it's very important to be bold and not worry about getting shot down. Motherhood can be a lonely world if you're always cooped up surrounded by the same four walls. Therefore, you need to push yourself outside of your comfort zone if you're someone who doesn't usually like to initiate. Other new moms know what it's like, and I'm sure 99% of them would jump at the opportunity to meet with you one afternoon for a walk or a cup of coffee—just to get out of the house. But please use your mommy safety discretion: if your new online friend "Mary" wants to meet in a dark alley behind a strip joint at 2am, it might not be the best idea. I'm just saying.

So choose a place in between where you both live & meet up for a fun hour long activity. This way, you can assess if you'd like to re-schedule a second date. If, within that hour, you realize that your new mom friend isn't someone you'd like to date again you can always pinch your baby so that they start crying and say "Oh sorry—I have to go. Time for a nap." (I'm kidding about the pinching btw, but you know what I'm getting at). I guess you could also just fart, blame it on the baby, and say "I need to go change her diaper" and then just get in your car and speed away!

3. What to wear on a Mom Date?

Wear something you feel comfortable in, and if you're breastfeeding—make sure it's something that you can easily pull a boob  out of. I almost wore a full length dress once that wasn't accessible from the top. Therefore I would have had to lift up my ENTIRE dress just to feed Cole. Luckily, I caught myself and realized before I left the house.

4. What do you do if your new Mom friend has a freakishly ugly baby?

Try not to gasp, and remind yourself: their baby will probably grow up to be ten times better looking than your pretty baby. I have a theory that if you're a really ugly baby, then you grow up to be beautiful. You only have so many "pretty" cards and it's not fair for someone to be gorgeous their whole life, so....

Alright, that's it for now ladies. I see little baby feet flailing in the bassinet. Nap time is over—and I haven't even peed yet. Are you flattered that I chose to write you all a blog vs. empty my bladder? ;)

Lots of love to all the summertime new mummies out there! Doesn't the nice weather make the sleepless nights a little less painful?