I’m a budget savvy gal — more from necessity than choice, but all the same, I like to do things as cheaply as possible. While certain items are easy to cut back on, like fresh vegetables or dental care, others are harder to eliminate from a modern lifestyle. Hair colouring, for instance. I am not quite ready to give into the grays, especially what with being so exhausted from my recent battle with the sags.
My natural hair colour falls somewhere on the colour scale between “eldery deer mouse” and “dish water,” and once you add in some grey at the roots, and it’s a bit of a horror show. I haven’t bought make-up in months, and I use an Avon roll-on deodorant I found in a church basement, but I will fight gray hair with the strength and conviction of an army from someplace with a really strong and convinced army.
I'd love to have my hair tended to professionally, but I have children with orthodontic needs and one just started driving school so money is a bit tight and by "tight" I mean I've forgotten what placing a food order with an actual person and not by shouting "I said 'CHEESEBURGER'" into plastic clown's mouth feels like. Legal salons run by qualified staff can charge upwards of $100 for a good hair colour. $100 buys a lot of other stuff, and if you’re like me and looking to save money, then home hair colouring is for you.
But if you’re going to do it, you might as well do it right. So use my experiences — both good and bad — and take my advice.
1. First, put the booze away. Failed wine pairing? Cabernet Sauvignon and home hair colour.
2. Don’t pick a shade after a breakup or other major life change. You’ll be tempted to go Midnight Black when you’re a natural blonde, or vice versa. If you must make a big decision to mark this new phase in your life, choose something without consequence, like quitting your job or adopting a baby.
3. Pick a colour that sounds like something you’d either eat or a stripper you'd sleep with. If possible, try for both. Example: Rich Chocolate Mousse? Check! Dark Mystery? Check! Yellow Puddles? Nooo.
4. Don’t forget to do the back. Hey, it happens.
5. Wear appropriate clothing, because you are going to drip. I like to wear the dress from my first wedding. If you’re happily married and love your wedding dress, wear it anyway. You’ll be extra careful because of the obstacle and probably won’t spill a drop.
6. Use professional grade tools. Go to the beauty outlet store and buy a mixing bowl and a brush. An old margarine tub and BBQ brush weren't built for this kind of pressure.
7. Plan ahead just in case, and buy a funky hat. Or a pretty hat. Or a crocheted beer can hat. You’ve saved at least $100 colouring your hair at home, so go on; treat yourself!
8. Do not buy your hair colour from the drug store discount rack or a garage sale. Anyone who has 14 boxes of Clairol “Big Red” 344 on a folding table in their driveway had less than appropriate plans for it and you don’t need that karma on your head. Literally.
9. If possible, colour your hair in natural light. I prefer the front porch. This also allows me to yell at neighbourhood children, and garner colour opinions from passerby. That’s called “multi-tasking” and that’s why I am awesome at giving tips. You’re welcome.
10. Like any fun at-home activity, rubber gloves and Vaseline are a must.
11. Double check that your timer works. I had to live with bright orange hair for a weekend once when I accidentally pressed “Side of Beef” instead of “Popcorn” on the microwave auto-timer.
12. Rinse your hair well. A fast food restaurant Pokémon cup and the kitchen tap aren’t going to cut it here. Let your kids use the garden hose; if you’re following my advice you’re already outside anyway.
Now go show off your new colour to the world! If you’ve observed my tips then you’re wearing a pretty dress and have a new beer can hat, so you’re pretty much set for any occasion.
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