Kid's Crafts: Just Say NO

There was a time when I thought it was a good idea to expose kids to art. But I’ve had an epiphany and I see now that art is the devil’s work.

So hear me now and listen to me later. You should not - under any circumstances - let your kids participate in art making activities. The time to act is now.

Here’s why...

If you give your kids the opportunity to make arts and crafts, they might start having creative thoughts. The floodgates will open and before you know it, your child could have innovative ideas. Innovation is the gateway to originality and really, nobody wants that.

They could become problem solvers while strengthening critical thinking skills. PROBLEM SOLVERS? The last thing you need is a child running around with inventive solutions like, “Maybe if you turn the coffee maker on, it will work for you mom."
Shit. No thank you.

They will learn how to make decisions ON THEIR OWN. Decisive kids? Are you kidding me? One day your child is choosing which color to paint the sky in the storybook she’s illustrating and the next, she’s off inventing her own fun instead of dragging her feet across the floor complaining about having nothing to do as she whines, “Maaaawwwwm, I’m sooooo bored, what can I doooooooooo?” Pffffft.

They may acquire visual-spatial skills. Great. No more will you need to say, “It’s RIGHT THERE” when your kid asks you where the green monster truck dinosaur blaster is. They’ll be able to see what’s right in front of their noses. And, they’ll stop walking into walls too. The next thing you know, they won’t be running into traffic every time you both go to the post office. Jeez, they might even be able to drive a car more easily in the future. Good lord.

They will develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. A kid who feels good about him or herself is a kid who will spread all kinds of joy and will probably grow up to be a confident, well-adjusted adult. Honestly, if I wanted a Little Miss Sunshine in my house, I’d have saved myself the swollen ankles and hemorrhoids and just gone out and bought a doll.

But that’s not all....

If your kids participate in art, drama, or dance, you will probably see a marked improvement in their academic performance. I think we both know that you DO NOT want your kids doing anything that will help them understand their schoolwork more clearly. What you want is homework battles. That is the end of this discussion.

They will become more culturally aware and they will probably adapt to and respect other people’s ways of thinking as they discover that it's okay if their friends have different points of view. Compassionate, open-minded kids? You do not need to take on that burden.

They will learn to express their feelings in a positive way and channel their frustrations onto canvas and paper instead of one another. This - I'm sure you’ll agree - will result in utter and complete pandemonium.

They could build useful language skills and they might begin using descriptive words and phrases at dinnertime so instead of, “Food." Okay", you'll hear, “That was a delightfully scrumptious meal you prepared, Mother darling.” Yeah, no thanks.

They will feel content as they dance for joy, skip instead of walking, sing while playing, smile, talk to imaginary friends and decorate every damn surface in your house. It’s enough to make you sick to your stomach.

If we don’t do something to stop the impact art is having on our kids, they will become decisive, feel proud about their accomplishments, ooze empathy and benevolence, and by god they will feel good about themselves. Ugh. They might even learn how to successfully navigate the world as they grow up.

As adults - instead of just following directions and maintaining the status quo - they’ll undoubtedly find new ways to approach tricky issues and they might even come up with improvements to existing ideas. Holy shit.

Creativity will run rampant if we don’t put an end to this crap. NOW. So don’t think twice, just go ahead and snatch the paintbrush out of your kid’s hand before he has a chance to use it. Distract your daughter and dump her crayons before she can count to three. And - for the love of all that is good - toss the glitter right out the window. Except for maybe the silver jar. Because, glitter.

And remember, if you aren’t with me, you’re against me.

You know what you need to do.