Back To School Blues

It's been a particularly tough start to the school year at Casa DeVellis.  I know it's going to get better, this is all an adjustment process - but in the interim I think we're in for a couple of rough weeks with Son No. 2. 

What it boils down to is that Son No. 2 misses me when he's at school.  He's happy with his class, he's happy with his teacher, he has fun at recess, he's good with the work....he just misses me.  Which is all kinds of ironic because he spent his whole summer telling me how mean I am.

I do my best with this whole parenting thing but I kind of fucked it up this morning and am feeling a bit sick to my stomach about it. 

He asked that I wave to him through the second floor window.  He has to go up a set of stairs to get to his class and he passes by a large window.  He wanted just one last look at me waving before he went into class.  So I promised him I would.

Twice.

He waited beside me as the lines started going in and as soon as his started to move, he ran off to catch up.  I looked up at the window and waited.  But I also started talking to another mom and for, literally, a few seconds my attention was taken away. That's when he passed the window and he saw me, not looking for him to wave but with my head turned away from the window talking to another mom.

I had promised.

I glanced back just in time to see the back of his head as he trudged the rest of the way up the stairs.  My heart sank.  I said goodbye to the mom and jogged into the school. By the time I got to the second floor he was already in the classroom, all alone, sobbing at his desk.  It was the hiccuping cry where you can't catch your breath.  I walked over, knelt down and hugged him; he started to cry even harder. 

"Mom, you promised"

I'm pretty sure my heart shattered.

I fucked up. My promises to my kids are very important to me, I don't make them lightly.   I had promised him and I broke it, plain and simple. I broke his trust - I could see it in his eyes as the tears rolled down his face.

He'll be okay, of that I'm sure. I spent a few hours this morning beating myself up, now I'm moving forward, yet again. I don't know how long it will take for him to get settled or how we're going to make this better for him. But I'm damn sure of one thing.... I won't be taking my eyes off that window tomorrow, not even for a second.