It's 9:30pm on a Friday night as I plop into bed beside my husband| and judging from the "Great| no sex" look on his face| he has read the "I'm exhausted- don't touch me" look on my face.
We lay there in silence as he switches through 150 channels like a madman - the only way he knows how to pay me back. As I watch 4.5 seconds of 150 different shows| I wonder how this happened.
One year ago| things were so different. Back then| I was a single mom living on my own| raising my one and a half year old daughter. I was practically a virgin again. Hell| I'm pretty sure the last time I had sex was the night Shelby was conceived. Here I was 27| single| attractive and very much wanting to remember what it was like not to sleep alone.
So one day| I'm in the meat department at my local grocery store when I feel a tap on my shoulder and a voice saying| "Is this your daughter?" Already I'm rolling my eyes. (duh! I'm holding her- who else's kid would she be???) I turn and find myself staring into a face I hadn't seen in two years. Mark. Before I was pregnant with Shelby| I was the bartender of my local bar. Mark was the guy who came in at lunch and the guy I fantasized about on a daily basis. He was in a relationship| I was in a relationship - so all I could ever do was dream. But now there he was - talking to me in the meat department - single and free. Christ| he's talking to me| pay attention!
Two weeks later we went on our first date. I'll never forget that night ever. The date was fine. We ate| we talked| we laughed. But it was the good night kiss that I'll never forget. It was pure lust.
We didn't have sex that night; he wouldn't give in. But two nights later we did| and we did it A LOT over the next few months. Everywhere. My kitchen counter| against the living room window facing the apartment across the parking lot| on my stove| (that caused some serious cuts)| my computer desk. We went to a friend's cottage one weekend and snuck out in the middle of the night to do it on the picnic table outside his buddy's window. We were animals. Sex had never been so great| so passionate.
Three months into the relationship we find out we have a little bambino on the way. That was the start of the decline. I was sick as a dog for most of the pregnancy| and when I wasn't sick I was just feeling like a bag of fat. Our sex life was work now. I did it because| well| because I was supposed to. I loved him more than life itself| but the passion was losing its spark and being replaced with nausea and heartburn.
Mark was patient. He bemoaned what was happening| but took it all in stride. I know it hurt him and he questioned that I even loved him if I couldn't even make love to him. In the meantime| we got married and our son was born. Things got better| but bottle feedings and toddler nightmares were still getting in the way.
I laid there and looked over at my husband. What had happened to us? I loved him more than he would ever realize. Shouldn't he know that though? I close my eyes and remember that night a year ago. The taste of his salty neck on my lips. The feel of his chest beneath my hands.
I open my eyes and reach for the remote. Sleep can wait.
I just remembered how much I love my husband.
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