I’ve been told that having children is the hardest thing a marriage can go through and now I completely understand.
When my daughter Grace was first born, my husband and I braced ourselves for the big change that we had heard so much about. And as the weeks went by we thought we had adjusted and the apparent changes had passed by unnoticed. I guess we thought that it was like the big change that comes with getting married or buying a house. Sure they are both stressful and it takes some time to get used to it but they are also very exciting to experience.
As the months passed and Grace got older, my husband and I developed our own completely different routines. He would focus on work and I would focus on taking care of Grace, but we seem to put our marriage aside unknowingly. I admit it, I didn’t even think about how our new life was affecting my husband or even ask him how he was doing with everything. I became busy with Grace and giving her all my attention because that’s what I thought good moms did.
When there was some down time, I tried to focus on me because as I realized early on, I needed to take care of myself otherwise I couldn’t take care of Grace. But when I remembered my husband and tried to spend time with him it felt strange. It didn’t feel like “us” anymore. It felt like the warmth between us was fading. We didn’t really talk anymore and I had become less patient with him. A friend of mine explained it best – we had become roommates.
I got scared and thought something was wrong with us. But after I talked with some other new mom’s I realized just the opposite. This big change that my husband and I had been warned about had happened but it wasn’t what I expected. It’s scary to think that something so wonderful could also be traumatic.
I don’t know why more people don’t actually talk about how having kids is a test on any marriage no matter how strong it is. Or why that it’s ok to put your relationship before your child. Maybe it’s because if you do you feel selfish but isn’t it the complete opposite? Isn’t making sure you and your partner are together or at least on the same page a better example for your kids that spending all your time and energy with them? I would hope so. I’ve read about it but I guess like labour and pretty much everything that comes with having a baby, no one can really prepare you for it.
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