As parents, we know that our kids are always watching. They are constantly looking to us to know how to behave and respond in every situation. I became aware of this fact even more so while completing some advanced training for my coaching business in emotional intelligence. I had no idea that my greatest learning opportunities (and challenges) in emotional intelligence would come from parenting, not from my clients.
It is very important to me that, as a professional coach, I practice what I preach. Any type of coach training forces you to become more self-aware, so naturally, when I decided to dive in to the topic of emotional intelligence, I had no choice but notice how I was behaving every day. I really started paying attention to how I behaved when I was frustrated or angry, especially in the moments when I knew my son was watching.
Here are three things I have learned about myself, my son, and what it takes to become a well-rounded family on my journey to becoming a better coach:
I was raised during a time when kids were meant to be seen and not heard. If you talked back to an adult and your parents found out you were in big trouble. Manners are important, but so is your child’s ability to say no and express their own needs and preferences.
I was already painfully shy as a child. Combining that with the lesson that children did not speak up in front of adults under any circumstances meant that I grew up not knowing how to articulate my own needs. We want our children to be assertive enough to stand up for themselves and get what they need without being aggressive. When kids say no or are even defiant to their parents or teachers, they are beginning to build that muscle that will allow them to become assertive adults. Our job as parents is to teach them how to do this effectively instead of simply telling them that it’s not polite to say no or disagree with an adult.
When we dismiss, scold, or become impatient with our children when they say no, we are missing out on a key learning opportunity to help our kids learn how to effectively express what they need and want.
I always make the same sound when I am frustrated. It’s kind of a growl under my breath (something like when Marge Simpson gets mad at Homer). I was sitting in the living room working on my laptop one evening and was becoming increasingly frustrated with a document I was trying to format. I was definitely growling. I almost dropped my laptop when I heard my son emit my signature sound as he expressed his own frustration with his Jenga tower that kept falling over. That was the moment when I realized that my son is learning how to handle his own emotions by watching how my husband and I handle ours.
Certain activities, images, words, and even people will trigger specific emotions for both adults and children. When we know what our triggers are, we can prepare ourselves to deal with the situation in a productive manner and we can help our kids do the same. I now make a point of helping my child label his emotions in the moment, and I let him know that it’s ok to feel that way. The next step is helping him deal with that emotion in a healthy, productive way.
The first thing I teach my adult coaching clients in our sessions is the meaning of each emotion and how to identify how each emotion is impacting their behaviour.
Most of my clients say the same thing: “How is it that we get to adulthood without knowing how to identify our basic emotions and our patterns for expressing our emotions?” Great question. At some point, I am sure our kindergarten teacher explained to us what it means to be ‘happy or sad.’ But as we grow up, our thoughts, emotions, and experiences becoming increasingly complicated and intertwined.
It can be difficult to tease out multiple emotions occurring at the same time and the unconscious patterns we have developed for expressing our emotions. The more often we work with our kids to help them identify each emotion, the greater the likelihood they will have healthy emotional hygiene as they move into adulthood. If you are not sure where to start to better understand your own emotions or how to talk to your kids about their emotions, the organization Six Seconds has a great resource.
Parenting comes with many challenges. My husband and I have had many conversations after we put our son to bed about how we are both showing up in front of our son. We have developed our own strategies for managing our emotions in front of him and for helping our son express his own emotions effectively, because we know that emotionally intelligent kids become emotionally intelligent adults!
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