Nobody Wants to See Your Dang Elf

I understand that when you have gone to so much trouble to anthropomorphize a piece of felt with a creepy head, you want some credit for your work.

We’ve all been there. Your friend has a new guy she’s been spending lots of time with. He’s handsome, thoughtful, just a little naughty. She can’t keep her hands off him. He’s always doing fun things, and going on adventures. She can’t wait to share everything about him with you, and fills your timeline with cute photos of her new man.

But I’ve got news for you, friend. No one wants to see your damn elf.

I get it. He’s super cute, and you are very clever. That was really creative how you had that elf shitting chocolate. And thanks for sharing that with me, I really needed that in my life. Oh look, seven of my other friends also have chocolate-shitting elves they’d like to show off.


I understand that when you have gone to so much trouble to anthropomorphize a piece of felt with a creepy head, you want some credit for your work. You spent an hour setting up this elaborate scene, and dammit, someone other than your kid is going to see it.

But here’s the thing: I barely care what you are up to, Janet, let alone what your elf has gotten into now. I do not need a photo diary of Snowflake’s comings and goings. IDGAF that Mr. Crinkle-Pants left flour footprints all over the counter – again. Floofy McSparkleButt was frozen by Elsa? No way! This is very useful information to me!

I’m not an elf-hater. We have an elf. We got on the bandwagon so early that we even have an old-school elf with the original face (before they changed it to stop terrifying the children). My children love our elf. He doesn’t do anything that would make Pinterest proud; he mostly sits around, but he’s cool. My kids can touch him; they don’t need that kind of pressure in their lives. Sometimes they write to him, and he writes back. He is missing his hat, and he’s truly filthy, but he’s filthy with love.

We love the elf so much that he hasn’t left in years. We have a year-round elf, like Dobby, but without the slavery. My oldest son gets so upset when he leaves, so one year, we said screw it and let him stay. This was easy to do, since he doesn’t really do much.

So, I am not against the elf. I’m not even against people putting an insane amount of effort into coming up with adventures and antics for the elf to get into. It’s a wonderful tradition. Children love it, and when they are older, they will look back fondly on these elves, and appreciate all the effort you went to.

I’m just saying it’s okay to not share with the public at large every single thing your elf does. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just you, but there comes a point that scrolling through Facebook has your friends going, “Elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, OH, THANK GOODNESS, POLITICAL CRISIS.” I’m not saying you’re a bad person… just that for 24 days in December, you make seeing Kardashian news appealing.

So, keep doing your elf thing. Get down with your bad elf self. I hope Cookie, and Chuckles, and Edward Tinsel-Hands have the best time ever, and bring lots of joy to your family. But don’t keep me in the loop. I don’t care. Literally no one cares.




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Heather M. Jones is a mom of 2 from Toronto. When not writing, she can be found reading, worrying, and spending way too much time on Facebook.