Valentine's Day Gifts That Bring Hilarious Sadness to Everyone

Shopping for Valentine's Day sucks. Getting roses and going out for dinner seems pretty passe. But then again they're nice, safe choices.

What we're really trying to say is, don't buy your partner any of these unless you want to end your relationship. Or they have a really good sense of humour.

Actually, you know what? Probably not even then.

I Love You Like I Love Salty Desiccated Meat

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and a man's stomach is not to be filled up with delicate pieces of artisanal chocolate covered with froo-froo shit for girls. No, this heart-shaped box is full of MANLY things, like dead cow and pig, salted and dried into tough strips that have to be chewed by manly jaws. And just in case you weren't convinced by how manly this gift is, there's a cro-magnon looking dude displaying his chest pelt as he rides astride a bull. Bare-backed.

And the bull is all like, I submit to your manliness. Please make jerky out of me.

The Proposal for People Who Actually DO Give a Shit

Your proposal: Your loved one closing the door, sitting on the can with underpants around her ankles. She does the nasty business, looks over to clean up, and sees this. She now doesn't know whether to wipe her butt with your gift or go through the humiliating exercise of trying to find another roll so she can treasure this one forever. And then you burst in, wave your hands in front of your nose to get rid of the stink, and drop to your knees with the ring.

And then she tells you no, as she rushes to courtesy flush, because this toilet paper is single-ply. Not to mention, she doesn't want to remember accepting your proposal as she's waiting to wipe her ass and asking you for a proper roll of TP FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

These chocolates with a curious shape that's so vaguely familiar...

Perhaps your man isn't manly enough for the jerky. Perhaps you guys really enjoy letting your freak flag fly. We won't judge. OK, maybe we will a little, especially if you give someone these chocolates and the delivery reads a little bit more like this:

Receiver: These chocolates are great! But I don't understand what they're moulded to look like. What is it?

Giver: My anus! I am glad you love them. I moulded them myself.

Carefully Handcrafted Eco-friendly Poo-paper Roses

Yes. You actually read that correctly. Someone actually looked at a mountain of elephant dung and said "HEY! I can make beautiful paper out of this."

I actually think this might be a great gift to give someone you secretly hate. The ultimate in-joke. They'll treasure it forever, and you never have to tell them it is a byproduct of a pile of shit.

Edible Meat Underpants for Your Meaty Female Parts

Regular edible underpants are so passe. Why not give your man a gift that will keep him down there (chewing) for hours? Don't worry about needing your tingling lube, either. Seasoning mix guaranteed to set your lady-bits ablaze with the peppery fire of passion. And pepper.

The Gift of Love for people you don't want to touch

Happy Valentine's Day, honey! I'd give you a hug myself, but for 7 easy payments of 9.99, I can have you snuggle with this velcro belt shaped like hands instead. It can play a personalized message so that I don't have to keep telling you I love you, either.