March 15, 2010

As a woman who would do pretty much anything to have a child, there is nothing that sickens me more than parental alienation.  I mean, how bitter must one be to jeopardize the healthy development of one’s own child, just to exact revenge on a former partner?

With divorce rates higher than ever, God knows how many children are suffering from the misguided “teachings” of an enraged parent.  We’ve all been through bad break-ups - there’s nothing pleasant about the process, even if it’s you choosing to end the relationship.  Emotions run high; egos get bruised; feelings of inadequacy and failure make people do things so uncharacteristic, their family and friends worry about them. When there are children in the mix – where does that leave them?  Sadly smack dab in the middle, dazed and confused about what is happening and why things are changing. Is it really fair to complicate their situation further to satisfy one’s own vengefulness?

Parents often proclaim they would do anything for their children, including sacrificing their own life for a child’s safety and well-being.  So why would this change in the face of divorce?  Having been witness to the fallout of a few marriages, I have been shocked at how otherwise intelligent adults can make such poor choices, all in the name of bitterness and revenge.  Manipulation seems to be the weapon of choice for some parents...they provide only a portion of the facts to their children, subtly altering or omitting details, which allows them to portray an increased level of “suffering” at the hands of the other parent.  Others are more blatant – actually having the audacity to utter the words “you need to choose between me and your [other parent]” to their children.  Who does that?

Often times it is the handiwork of psycho unstable insecure parents trying to win the children over to their “side”.  These people stop at nothing...defamation of character, false accusations, even lies to the police...anything to prove that the other parent is every negative thing they (in their own twisted mind) wish them to be...and they do it in front of their children!   Unfortunately the only thing these actions actually prove is that the parent hates their ex-partner more than they love their children.

The level of selfishness is astounding.  Using children as emotional pawns in order to punish the other parent leaves the children with no idea what or who to believe.  As kids don’t we all just accept that what our parents tell us is true?  How confused they must be when there are conflicting stories from the two people in the world who are supposed to protect them most.

Newsflash - when your marriage is over, be a grown up and do what other self-sacrificing, responsible parents do…put everything you are feeling aside for the sake of your children.  Yes, you may never want to see your children’s other parent ever again as long as you live (perhaps you even wish them dead)…but we all know that generally speaking there are advantages to children having two parents.  As long as the children are not in harm’s way (physically and/or emotionally), it behooves you to encourage them to have a positive relationship with their other parent.  In doing so, you become a role model - one who demonstrates a true desire for the children not to be impacted by your failed relationship.

It takes someone of character to avoid the temptation to brainwash a child against a parent just because they feel wronged.  Taking the high road is easier said than done…it requires you to keep your mouth shut about the other parent in front of the children…which means saving your rants, profanities and slurs aimed at your ex (no matter how well-deserved) for other adults, like your siblings or friends.  It also means conducting yourself civilly at shared events like school activities, weddings, funerals…your children are entitled to have both parents present and shouldn’t have to worry about either causing a scene.  If you manage to hold your tongue and play nice, the best gift you will give your children in this situation is the chance of being a well-adjusted child of divorce.

With my parents still together and me less than 2 years into my marriage, I can’t speak from experience, only from observations.  I hope that I will never have to live through a divorce, but who knows what the future holds.  Alex and I may never have children; if we do, we may stay together forever.  But if we do (have children) and don’t (stay together forever), I sure as hell hope that we both at least have the good sense to put the best interests of our children first, no matter what.

For any “children” out there who may be reading, I have only one piece of advice: there are always two sides to a story, so don’t take everything you are told at face value.  A parent who has no reservation about slamming the other in your presence may be too filled with rage to realize how much their words and actions are hurting you.  Don’t be afraid to ask both of your parents questions so you can make up your own mind about what’s going on and how you feel about it.

As for you “adults” who derive some joy from filling your children’s head with lies about their other parent and seeing their relationship crumble as a result, congratulations…nothing says “love” like fucking your kids up emotionally just so you can inflict pain on your ex.  Shame on you.

Children are not possessions; they are gifts to be treasured by both parents. It’s time some of you realized just how lucky you are.

 

Labels/Tags: leslie crowell, yummy mummy wannabe, parental alienation

Posted by LeslieC at 10:01:15 View Comments | Click Here to Comment

March 07, 2010

Growing up in a two-child household, I always dreamed of having another sibling…given all the torment that my brother claims I subjected him to, I suspect he did as well. When Drew was on my last freakin’ nerve, I would wistfully envision what it would be like if there were three of us…’cause let’s face it when you are kids you tire pretty quickly of both your playmates and your partners in crime. I fantasized about having a larger family and naively believed it would guarantee me more fun...I mean, hey, was there ever a dull moment at the Walton, Brady or Partridge household? Funny enough when I was looking for an escape from my younger brother the daydreaming never rarely involved imagining being an only child…that option seemed just too, well …lonely.

Despite my desire for our family to expand, my parents were having none of it…in fact, I think their exact words, in response to any request for another brother or sister (after they stopped guffawing) were something along the lines of “HELL, NO!”  So once the days of blaming Drew for my misdeeds were behind me (sorry bro!), and I started thinking about marriage and family, not surprisingly I decided the perfect number of children for me was…you guessed it… three. And once I decide what I want, I am usually determined, focused, stubborn enough to not give up until I get it.

As I dated my way through my twenties and early thirties, the idea of three children was non-negotiable in my mind. When I bought myself a house for my thirty-fifth birthday (something I had never dreamed of doing on my own) and started to doubt whether I was ever going to meet my life partner, it felt like my pursuit of three offspring might be a tad unrealistic. But just as I was heading towards my 39th birthday Alex arrived in my life, and to my great joy (and relief) he too wanted children. Given he was from a family of seven, in his mind three was a no-brainer...which might have been the case if we had more time on our side.

Fast forward to the last two years of riding the infertility roller coaster…the wisdom that comes with my advancing age tells me that me having three kids is about as likely as me winning the lottery…unless the fertility drugs magically produce triplets. I realize my fertility, like my marriage, requires me to compromise. As each month passes with a negative pregnancy test, and the likelihood of having three babies becomes more mathematically improbable, I have convinced myself that two children would be just fine…but that’s the lowest I have been willing to go. Even though I know many successful, well-adjusted, and just plain lovely people who are "only" children, I have always remained adamant that I would avoid an only child situation at all costs. Funny how life changes…

Before my last miscarriage, when there was the possibility I was carrying twins, I can remember thinking how great it would be to have two at once so that I wouldn’t have to worry about going through trying to get pregnant again. Given I would have been almost 42 by the time the baby was born if we wanted to have another one after that, who knew how long it would take, or if it could happen at all.

Once it became clear that there would not be two babies, I had an “A-HA” moment…and it was a big one for me. For the first time ever I allowed myself to contemplate having just one child, and much to my surprise I felt content with that idea. I recognized that I was tired of trying to figure out how I was going to have two - especially since we hadn’t even managed to produce the first one yet. I had been putting pressure on myself (unnecessarily ) to produce the “ideal” family…and I needed to stop.  If we were destined to only have one child, I would be at peace with that blessing. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted…then, while basking in the glow of my new found enlightenment, I miscarried.

There is an old adage that “Every cloud has a silver lining”, and for me the silver lining in my last miscarriage was my acceptance that having an only child wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Even with my biological clock unwinding, one still seems possible and that is what I will continue to focus on…because let’s face it although it’s not three, one is a much better option than none.

Labels/Tags: leslie crowell, yummy mummy wannabe, only child, miscarriage

Posted by LeslieC at 17:08:19 View Comments | Click Here to Comment

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