I have always been the type of woman who did not apologize for her actions. For better or worse, I stridently pronounced that "What You See Is What You Get" with me. Heart on my sleeve and without a censor, I have known my mind and I have not thought twice. I have lived each (most) days fully. I have talked to strangers. I have followed my heart. And just like the mantra, I have Danced, Knowing full well that EVERYONE was watching.
I have even sampled being the person who wanted other people to apologize. I have been the person who stopped the dinner party dead by saying: "Excuse me, your joke has just offended my friend, I think you owe them an apology." It was excruciating. I confess that I have never done anything like that again.
But I am here to confess something else too. I Have Changed. I have lost sight of who I really am, of what I really believe in.
I am a Mum now, and I apologize for everything. EVERYTHING.
I work in television. I host Breakfast Television for Citytv. They have given me every freedom in deciding when I would take time off, when I would come back, and every day they give me a 4 hour live show and have never once told me what to say or how to say it. I know how lucky I am.
But our show thrives on feedback. From viewers, our colleagues, our community. And nothing polarizes peoples' opinions like Motherhood.
I'm sorry I took so much time off of work, perhaps I should have taken less Mat. Leave. I'm also sorry my daughter was so much younger than the other kids at your daycare, and needs her own set of activities. Perhaps I should have taken more Mat. Leave.
I'm sorry I tell too many stories about my daughter on the air. Yes, I do realize I am not the first woman in the world to give birth. I'm also sorry I don't give the viewers enough regular updates about Chloe's progress and milestones. Yes, I do realize you have an emotional investment in our show and I am letting you down.
I am sorry I continued to breastfeed my child once I returned to work. My engorged chest was offensively sexual and I apologize. I'm also sorry I gave up after 6 months because it was just too hard. Yes, I realize I may have robbed her of essential nutrients and she may never recover.
I'm sorry I worked my behind (literally) off and managed to lose 30 lbs in three months. I understand this sets an unrealistic precedent for many women and I am being a poor role model. I'm also sorry I am not back down to my original weight 10 months later. I know, if you wanted to see rolls around a midriff you could hang out at the mall, and you expect more of me.
But most of all, I am sorry I have felt sorry. What a waste of time, energy and emotion. Becoming a Mum has been the most wonderful /overwhelming/ fulfilling/ scary/liberating thing that has ever happened to me and there is absolutely nothing about it I would change. I have made the best decisions I could, at the time that I made them. I won't look back.
I am sorry, but I am done apologizing. And that's the last sorry you're going to get out of me.
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