Becoming a Stepmom

I always knew one day I would be a Mom and I looked forward to having lots of kids.  What I didn’t expect was that 2.5 years after the birth of my second child, I would become a Single Mom. And what I really had never anticipated was 3 years following the break up of my first marriage, I would become a stepmom to three more children. Glad I always said I wanted a lot of kids! But becoming a stepmom had a lot more to it than I anticipated.

Growing up in a nuclear family, I was not familiar with the dynamics of any “non-traditional families”. I certainly wasn’t familiar with what I call the “Suitcase Generation”… You know, the kids that shuttle their belongings back and forth between homes, praying they have the right stuff on the right day and are walking on eggshells much of the time in fear of tipping the perfect balance that their parents think they have established. 

I had spent a lot of time thinking about how to make the transition smooth for my kids: how to ensure they had all the security and love they needed from me and their father despite the break down of our marriage, and how I would avoid my ex’s girlfriend at all costs. I learned very quickly that the more confident you are as a mother, the less threatening it is for your kids to have a stepmom. I was happy she was kind to them and they seemed to like her, and maybe even love her. But that was no threat to me. It didn’t change the fact that I was their mother. 

I did not spend much time however thinking about ME being a stepmom. I always imagined I would meet someone who would be able to accept my kids with no problem, but I never thought about accepting someone else’s children. I met my husband and within a few weeks knew that he was the one for me. He had three children of his own. But that didn’t intimidate me at all. After all, I always wanted lots of kids!

As our relationship grew, we got to know each other’s children. The honeymoon phase was great. The kid’s were always excited to see me, I was excited to see them. It was perfect! My kids also adored him. Well the honeymoon phase ended literally, on the honeymoon. We decided to honeymoon with our kids and took them to Jamaica for a week in the sun. During that week all the issues that were so well hidden in the beginning stages of our relationship came out in spades. Accusations of favoritism, jealousy, anger, grief, temper tantrums, meltdowns, sadness, all unfolded before our eyes on that beautiful pristine beach.

The months that followed were tough. Lots of tears and anger, and backtalk and rudeness prevailed. We hired a nanny to watch all the kids and after a few days, she reported she wanted to quit. We begged her to stay (which we are so grateful she did). On a particularly bad day, I found myself in tears, when my husband sent me an email in which he stated he loved me (and the kids) tremendously and said, “I am committed to making them (the kids) feel at home and to get it right for all of them so hang in there”. I knew I had a partner and if we hung in together we could do it.

It was at that moment that I think we really decided we weren’t just going to be two part families thrown together to try to survive. We were partners. Partners who loved each other deeply and were committed to making a winning team. In our home, there would be one team. While the kids were with us, we would parent them together. We would establish our own home for them, in which they could feel safe, loved and wanted. We loved our own biological children deeply, and because of the strength of our love to each other, we would make it a top priority to create the bonds and love for our new step children.

It has been a process. We are nowhere near the finish line. We are still learning, growing, and making tons of mistakes. But we are in it together and the kids know that. Relationship ties are growing deeper and deeper the more time we spend together.

My stepdaughter asked me the other day, “I wonder what it would be like if I were your REAL daughter, would things be any different?” I explained to her that there is a very special bond between mother and child for sure and I love each of my biological children in a very unique way. But there is also a very special and unique bond between stepmom and stepchild. While she will never be my biological child and I will never be her “real” mother, we too have a very special, unique bond and love that no one else will experience. I reassured her that there was enough love to go around. I could love my “biological kids”, I could love my “step kids”. She could love her real mother, and there was even enough love for her to love me, her stepmom.