I might be having a mid-life crisis.
I’m not entirely sure to be honest.
It does’t look like what I thought a mid-life crisis would look like. For some reason, I assumed a mid-life crisis might involve some Botox and girls trips spent ogling much younger men. But, my mid-life crisis doesn’t look like that at all.
Soon, I will turn forty.
I’m not at all afraid to turn forty. In fact, I feel better than I ever have. Yes, my hair is full of grey, my eyes are beginning to be cornered by fine lines, and I’m a little softer around the middle. But, those aren’t the things that matter.
I am more confident in who I am, both inside and out. I am less willing to allow other people’s judgment to impact my life. I am more interested in pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Yet, still I find myself at some sort of crossroads, and here I am wondering what exactly I have done with my life.
I have always been the kind of girl who plays it safe. I play by the rules and don’t push boundaries.
I stayed in the comfort of a stable job even though I didn’t feel challenged.
I travelled to low-risk, all-inclusive resorts rather than backpack through Europe.
When my friends were getting their belly buttons and tongues pierced or their bodies tattooed, I chickened out, afraid of not only the pain, but of being seen as a disappointment. And, truth be told, my choices have paid off.
I live a very happy life.
But, I’m finding myself being drawn to the risks, recognizing that it’s in the moments of discomfort where I grow the most.
As I approach forty, I have decided that maybe the path of safety and stability can wait. Maybe, on occasion, I’m meant to take the long, round about route so that I can enjoy the scenery and experience the beauty of the unknown.
When I was recently offered a job that was way outside of my comfort zone I decided to take it. I could have chosen to stay wrapped in the security of a stable paycheque, but instead I chose the path that, though a bit riskier, offers me the opportunity to learn and grow and push myself.
I find myself laying awake at night, listening to my husband's deep breathing and planning out our own business, imagining what it would feel like to be my own boss.
It’s terrifying, but just the idea of it exhilarates me.
I have always prided myself on doing the right thing. Even when the right thing might not be right for me. But, now I focus less on what I should do and more of what I want to do.
I turn down invitations without feeling guilty. I don’t allow other people’s insecurities to influence my decisions.
I have worked very hard to build a good life for myself and my family and so far I think I’ve succeeded. Most importantly, I’m happy in my life.
However, my mid-life crisis has me rediscovering myself and recognizing that the dreams I had for myself at twenty don’t look the same anymore.
I am learning that life is full of new and exciting adventures just waiting to be experienced and I don’t want to be too afraid to go after them. I am beginning to understand that I don’t have to fear failure, and that discovery has set me free.
So while I may not be planning plastic surgery or on buying a fancy, flashy car, I’m still hovering somewhere near life changes.
My mid-life crisis involves a lot of self-discovery. Rather than longing for the things I’m missing, my mid-life crisis is teaching me that it’s not too late to go out and get them!
And, okay, maybe it will involve a teeny tiny tattoo.