Mental illness isn't easy to talk about, especially if you are the one suffering. For over a decade, I was plagued by mental illness and various eating disorders. How does an 11-year-old girl begin to think that she isn't good enough and has to be anything but herself? I don't know exactly what led me down this path of mental anguish, it was most likely a combination of several factors, but what I do know is that I wasn't happy. In the endless pursuit of perfection, all that I found was misery.
To others I may have seemed normal (whatever that means), but every waking moment my mind was a battlefield. No matter how much I starved myself, it was never good enough - I was never good enough. I had to be skinny, skinnier, the skinniest, but I was so hungry. I spent so much time never living up to my expectations. Every day was spent planning out what, when and where to eat and then how to purge, while at the same time trying to keep my secret hidden from those who love me.
Day after day, I managed to go through the motions, while at the same time I felt as though I was stuck and sinking in quicksand. I was alive, but I wasn't living. I was a prisoner in my own body, mentally shackled to the idea that I would never be good enough. So, what changed?
Love and yoga.
After practicing for some time, yoga seemed to help lift the mental fog that plagued my every thought. And love guided me home. I was blessed to meet someone who loves me for who I am, so much so that I was finally able to find love for myself. It wasn't an easy recovery, and there was relapse, but I found my way back to happiness.
I wish, with these words, that I could help people find self-love and spare them from the misery that I endured for so long. But, I can't. I can't make people see how wonderful they are. I can't make people see that they are worth so much more than they think. That has to come from within. That has to be something that we see in ourselves. Because it's there, it always has been.
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