Forgive Me, In Advance

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby, 

As a Canadian, I want to apologize in advance, for the mistakes I made, and for the mistakes I will make as a mother. 

Motherhood was everything and nothing that I thought it would be. Priding myself on being organized, I believed I was completely prepared for what was to come. I thought I knew what to expect; sleepless nights, stinky diapers, weight gain and never ending laundry. I also knew what to watch out for in a baby; weight loss, high fever, and jaundice.

I read "What to Expect When You’re Expecting" from cover to cover; I researched the best car seats, bottles, toys and baby toiletries. I solicited advice from mommy blogs and consulted scholarly journals. I thought this was going to be a piece of cake because I had it all figured out. 

Then one day you were born. Your tiny little toes, and your cute button nose. Gosh, I was awe-stuck. I’m a talkative person – and in that moment, when I heard your first cry, I had nothing to say, my tears spoke instead. 

For everything I expected, what I didn’t expect was just how much I would love you. What I didn’t expect was how much more I would love your father. What I didn’t expect was how much I would be changed by your arrival. 

I made so many mistakes as a mother. I held you incorrectly many times, I did not know how to breastfeed correctly, I could not figure out whether you were crying of hunger or if it was because your diaper needed changing. And, I am positive I did not bathe you correctly the first couple of times. For all those times, I am sorry. As a new mother, I was learning. 

Slowly, you taught me, you taught me what to do. And with each day that you grew, I became more confident, not that I wouldn’t make mistakes, but that through all the mistakes, you would forgive me, and we would get through it together. 

Baby, I know I will make many more mistakes as a mother, and I will continue to second-guess myself, and I am sorry in advance. But I promise you, I promise you, today, tomorrow and as long as I will live, I will love you more and more. 

Canada gave me many things since I came here as a three-year old; a safe home from a war-torn country, the chance to dream and more opportunities than I could have ever imagined. But of everything, it gave me the best thing when it gave me the chance to have and raise you here. And for that, I will always be indebted to this wonderful country.

Your mother