They say that words will never hurt you, but most of us know better than that. Language is important and can be a powerful method to bully, humiliate and attack. No good parent knowingly hurts their child, however, you could be using language in your home that causes pain to your child now or in the future, without fully realizing the effect your words can have on your developing child.
With each generation we become a little more refined and a little more sophisticated, you only have to chat with your grandparent (if you're lucky enough to still have one) to see they are not quite as politically correct as parents of today. Which words will you look back on and cringe because they were part of your daily verbiage? When we know better, we do better, so read on for some phrases you really ought to nix now in case they potentially cause hurt feelings down the road.
This phrase is doubly poisonous, firstly it creates a set of expectations for boys behaviour that may make some boys feel uncomfortable and as they though they don't live up to your expectations. However, more worrying, it also seems to accompany a rape culture that glamorizes and defends negative male behaviour by excusing it away as a genetic probability rather than insisting boys and girls take equal responsibility for their individual thoughts, words and actions.
Try instead: Teaching that being kind is more important than any other trait.
I must admit, I am guilty of greeting little girls with this line, especially if they are wearing a particularly gorgeous outfit but the danger seeps in when girls are only ever commended on their appearance and this becomes an unhealthy obsession.
Try instead: complimenting girls on their talents, abilities and attitude rather than just on their looks.
It can be incredibly damaging to a boy's sense of self to suggest that he doesn't have the right to show emotions simply because he is a boy. Stereotyped gender roles force children to behave in ways that may not feel natural, simply to conform to some outdated notion of what it means to be a boy or a girl.
Try instead: talking to children about their feelings, validating them and allowing them to express themselves.
Why do tantrums and bad behaviour seem to happen when you have an audience? And it's always when everyone else’s child seems to be behaving so beautifully. I am sure we have all said at some point though gritted teeth “none of the other children are screaming” but comparing our kids to others is a slippery slope that leads to shaming and if we really think about it, we know deep down that all children misbehave at one time or another.
Try instead: Saying “I know you can do better” or simply distract them, basically any way you can get home all in one piece wins!
Girls are often called bossy, where in the same scenario a boy would be called a leader. Attributes such as organization, delegation and directing people and tasks are often viewed differently depending on the gender of the child making the decisions and that just isn't fair. Of course, it’s important for children to listen to others (especially quieter children who have the tendency to be manipulated) but parents need to encourage leadership skills instead of squashing girls ambition.
Try Instead: Saying “Remember to listen to other people's ideas too” or “Why don't you take a vote on that decision?”
In our house “The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar” gets “big” but not “fat.” I just find that particularly word sounds so rude and has the potential to hurt, especially when children use it as a descriptor when in our society it's almost unanimously used as an insult.
Try instead: explaining that bodies come in all sizes, shapes and shades and that it’s not polite to comment on other people's bodies.
When I bought my son a doll’s stroller for Christmas last year some relatives thought it a strange choice for a boy, and they let me know. My bewildered response was and continues to be that “he is playing at being a dad, his own dad pushes him in the stroller- what’s the problem?” Despite the manufacturers best efforts to market toys to specific genders the fact remains that children can and will play with any toy they like.
Try instead: simply providing a range of toys and letting your child decide what they like the best.
Many parents feel adrift when their children morph into pre-teens and start sullenly denouncing everything they used to like as suddenly being childish or old fashioned. If your kids do this by calling everything “gay” or “lame” you should intervene, homophobic and ableist language promote attitudes that hold people back and perpetuate myths and stereotypes that can lead to discrimination. Similar action should be taken against the incredibly offensive term “retard” or “retarded” which many young people use with abandon.
Try instead: encouraging your kids to think of other words that they associate with being “uncool” and highlighting why we don't use words which can hurt.
As our kids get older and start to become interested in their sexuality, it can be tempting to want to wrap them up in cotton wool and keep them virginal until their wedding night! But by making remarks that shame celebrities or your child's peers for sexual behaviour can confuse young people and perpetuate victim blaming in circumstances of sexual assault, by unfairly linking morality with a normal biological interest in sex.
Try instead: encouraging your teen to think about their emotions alongside their physical needs when becoming sexually active and teaching them about safe sex, consent and relationships.
There are some phrases and words that for whatever reason rub parents up the wrong way and end up being banned. Some moms can't stand hearing their kid say “whatever’ in a disinterested drawl, the dreaded “shut up” is not allowed in homes across the land and once we Google each new phrase to check what it means the list becomes longer and longer.
In my house, we don't say “fart”. I am British and for my mum “fart” was the “f” word, it still seems rude to me and I especially don't like to hear very small children saying it, so we say “pop off” instead- adorable!
Language is living and as such is always evolving, you only need to watch a favourite movie from your childhood to spot a few phrases that seem out of place and clumsy to our modern ears. So don't be surprised if when you are old and grey you hear your grandchildren complaining that they can't believe the things grandma says!
But with a little forethought and some sensitivity you can ensure that most of your words teach acceptance, understanding and love.
RELATED: 
Printer-friendly version