My husband and I recently watched an extremely emotionally charged documentary called “Bully.” It followed several children from different families as they worked through being bullied at school. It was horrifying to say the least. From the way the schools dealt with parental concerns to the tragic ending for some of the victims who ultimately chose suicide. It left me feeling angry, sad, frustratedm and scared—scared that any of my children would ever have to face this in their lifetime. As a parent you hope your child will never be a victim or worse, the perpetrator.
But this documentary also had another unexpected emotional effect. It unveiled the very first occasion when my husband and I would have differing opinions on how to parent our children. Up to this point we seem to be relatively the same in our approach. However, while my husband believes it is better to just "walk away from a bully," I strongly disagreed. Allow me to defend my position.
I started thinking about myself, "Why was I never bullied in school?" I was never very confident about my appearance. I was chubby, awkward, and like most kids going through puberty, I struggled to fit in. So then why was I not a target? I believe it was because I was convinced that I could outsmart someone with my words, and I did, many times. I’m not sure where this assurance came from. I seemingly lacked confidence in literally every other aspect of my existence, but for whatever reason I felt I could verbally slay any attackers. Also, I was taught very adamantly by my grandmother, with whom I spent much of my childhood, “not to take anyone’s shit.” If anyone challenged me, I was not to back down. And if it came to it, I should “punch that son of a bitch in the mouth and then run like hell.” I was taught not to worry of the consequences in situations that warranted this type of reaction, that she, my grandmother, would have my back when that time came. Sure her language was less than appropriate. And I am sure there are more political ways to deliver what she was saying but the core message was there. It was a message that stayed with me for my entire life. Don’t take shit from anyone! No one has that right unless you allow them. And I will always be there for you, on your side, when you need it most.
Recently, I was picking my son up and I witnessed school bullying first-hand. We were parked next to the school bus pick-up. As we walked past the bus, I was disgusted to hear an older male student, calling out to me and my son. He was making nasty remarks and even crudely whistled at me. I was absolutely shocked. My initial reaction was to ignore him and continue on my way. I’m an adult; what do I care what a child says? But then it sunk in. If this kid could be so bold to speak to an adult in this manner, with obviously NO FEAR of repercussions, imagine the sheer terror he could be inflicting on the other children that take this bus?
I sat in my car for a moment and pondered the situation. With so much heightened awareness of school bullying, anti-bullying campaigns and zero-tolerance school policies it is very disheartening to me to see such fearless behavior from a twelve-year-old. It is totally unacceptable. As a motherm the fear of my son being tormented by disrespectful perpetrators like this keeps me awake at night. This is why I feel so strongly that anti-bullying must go further than just “talking” or “walking away.”
I turned and looked at the child who actually sneered at me. I calmly and without saying a single word, picked up my cell phone and snapped a photo of him. He knew exactly why and what I was doing. He quickly hid his face from me. He knew I was taking his photo so that I could send it to the principal of the school and that he would face consequences for his disrespectful behavior. As I started to drive away I noticed a girl sitting in the back of the bus. She smirked at me as if to say "Ha-Ha, he’s going to get what’s coming." The little jerk never did uncover his face to see me drive away. I haven’t contacted the principal because I think the fear and anxiety that he might get in trouble is almost lesson enough. Perhaps he may even think twice before hanging out of the bus window to harass people. This situation was also a valuable lesson for my son. He learned there are consequences for your actions and to stand up for yourself. It’s not necessary to retaliate or hurt others when standing up for yourself. Sometimes it’s just about reminding jerks that someone along the way just might call you out on your bullshit and when you do—be prepared to face the music.
I understand that schools want to teach children to “tell an adult,” “walk away,” or “be the bigger person.” But the reality is—that doesn’t work! And as they grow up and move forward with their lives, bullies will exist in all situations. From your career to an encounter with a stranger—bullies are not limited to children! If they go through life with confidence that they do not have to surrender to abuse from others, that regardless of their weaknesses they are important, that nothing is worth sacrificing their self-worth and that you will always have someone in your corner when you need it most, perhaps they will never be victimized. Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but it seemed to have worked for me.
I know my husband and I only want what is best for our kids, and I know eventually we will come to a consensus on how and what is the best approach. In the meantime we will continue to teach our children to be loving, kind and to protect those who are weaker. We will teach them to be proud of themselves and to work hard, never give-up and to do the things they love regardless of what others think.
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