I always thought I was a really freewheeling guy. I thought that I went “where the wind took me” and lived a “carefree, adventurous life.” It turns out I was totally wrong. It turns out that I require very specific plans. I need to know who, what, where, why, how and, most importantly, WHEN. While it’s one thing to be crippled by the fear of uncertainty, it’s quite another to pass these habits on to your children.
But, sadly, that’s what I seem to have done.
I’ve previously written about my desire to not pass on my fears of snakes, the dark, heights, drowning, etc. on to my children, but these were all pretty simply to manage. Pet a snake, go on a roller coaster, walk outside at night, and your work is done. But what about crippling mental fear?
My kids want to know “the plan.” Always. It starts early in the day. Is this a school day or the weekend? Are we going anywhere? What are we having for lunch? What are we having for supper? Where are we sleeping tonight, cottage, or home? What are we doing AFTER that? Before this? Next? Next next? And so on. The children, like me, have developed this habit into a need. And while a solid sense of timeliness might be okay, being unable to function without knowing everything, is not. So, what’s a dad to do?
Well for starters, we’ve begun refusing to answer some of these questions. “What are we doing today?” I don’t know. “What are we having for lunch?” No idea. The immediate reaction has been… not great. My children have literally BEGGED me to tell them what we’re having for supper. They’ve guessed. They’ve suggested. They’ve asked. Everything. And still, we refrain.
The reason we do all these things is because we don’t want our kids to be just like us. I think every parent wants more for their children. I don’t want me kids to have a baker’s dozen of concussions like their old man. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of dogs like their mom. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of the dark like their dad. Or hate the phone like their mom. Okay. Maybe I don’t mind the phone one. But the point is, none of us want our kids to suffer in the same ways that we have and for me, that means the aspects of my personality that would be considered obsessive compulsive.
There’s another way that we’ve helped to break our kids of the habit of habits. Sometimes, we mess up.
It’s not ALWAYS on purpose. Sometimes it just happens. Sometimes we don’t have all the information. Sometimes someone lets you down. Sometimes, it happens. Other times, we change up the routine a little bit. We tell them that we’re doing one thing but then we do something else. We try to make sure that we don’t disappoint them. It’s not like we tell them they’re going to the zoo and then pile them in the car to take them to a Laundromat. Instead we mix it up and say that we’re having pasta instead of rice.
It seems like a small thing, but over time, it’s helped us develop in our children the idea that nothing is for sure because when it comes down to it, nothing is for sure.
There’s an added bonus to keeping your kids on their toes when it comes to schedules and habits; it helps you too. Changing things on the fly keeps me on my toes as much as it keeps them on their toes and over time, it’s helped me to let go.
My inner Elsa has never been happier.
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