It’s 3:18 AM. I’ve just finished feeding my son for the third time tonight. I’ve been getting up every three to four hours for the past six weeks, but this week the little guy decided to ramp it up a notch. Apparently, he’s going through a growth spurt. The baby books call it cluster feeding. I call it cluster f*cking up my sleep.
I’m beyond exhausted, but when I climb into bed my mind won’t stop racing so I’m writing to you because I’m lonely.
I miss you.
I miss us.
I know things have changed. You don’t understand what I’m going through, and that’s okay. I didn’t get it either until I was thrust into motherhood.
They actually let us walk out of the hospital with a living human being, like we knew what we were doing.
We don’t. Not really.
But there are a few things I need you to know.
Even though I haven’t called, I think about you all the time. I wonder how you’re doing, what’s going on in your life. When we do talk, if I’m not properly enthused with your updates, it’s not that I don’t care. I’m exhausted and hormonal.
Oh god, the hormones. Nobody really warned me. I cry at everything now.
Apparently, I’m no longer allowed to watch Frosty the Snowman. After the first 20 minutes of me doing the ugly cry while sobbing to my husband that it didn’t matter if they brought Frosty back to life, it just wasn’t the same, he started to freak out a bit. My husband, not Frosty.
Anyway, I’ve been banned.
I want you to come visit, but be warned that when you do drop by unexpectedly, I will first thrust my son into your arms so I can shower. Then we will visit. So be prepared to hold a baby.
Also, bring food. Lots of it.
And chocolate, too. It helps with the hormones.
Yes, I talk about my son incessantly. Please bear with me; it’s all I know right now. But even more than that, it’s all I don’t know. Is he sleeping enough? Am I holding him too much? Will I spoil him by letting him nap on me? Why does he feed so much? Am I doing it wrong?
The truth is there is more that I don’t know than I do know, and sometimes I just need to get it out. You may not have answers, but I can’t put into words how much it helps that you listen.
I guess what I’m trying to say is... hang in there. I know this is a momentous change in our relationship. I’m still trying to figure out how to be a mother and a friend, but I’ll come back to you, I swear.
In the meantime, your friendship and support means the world to me.
P.S. I’m almost out of chocolate.