Last fall, my 15 year-old daughter found herself in a situation that left her feeling scared and confused, and forced me to re-examine how clearly I'm communicating with my kids on one very key issue.
My daughter had made plans one Friday night to attend a high school football game with friends. It ended up that my husband and I had tickets for a comedy show the very same night, so we wouldn't be able to help with getting her there or back.
So, she took it upon herself to arrange a drive with a friend who had her license - she was looking forward to attending the game with the group and maybe going to get something to eat after. This is what high school is all about, right?
I reminded her that I didn't want to be bothered by a text or a phone call about needing a ride home. After all, we'd been waiting for weeks to attend this show and the tickets weren't cheap. The plan was solid ...at least we thought.
While Amy Schumer had us rolling in our seats with laughter, it turns out my daughter was scrambling for a safe ride home. During the football game, the friend who was responsible for driving had snuck off with a few others and drank whatever was being passed around that night. I'm not sure if it was a beer, Gatorade mixed with liquor, or... it really doesn't matter. When the friend returned to the game, my daughter noticed she was acting strange and smelled like alcohol.
Then, panic set in. How was she going to get home? She couldn't get in the car with someone who’d been drinking. But, she'd promised she wouldn't bother or interrupt us with a phone call. What was she going to do now?
My heart breaks to think of her running around the football stadium looking for a ride home that night - only to be told by others their car was full, she lived too far out of the way and why couldn't she just call her parents?
Finally, she found a sober friend who agreed to drive her home even though it was out of her way. Thank goodness that friend sensed my daughter was upset and knew that walking five kilometers home in the dark was not a safe option.
Later that night, after we returned home for the evening, our daughter burst into tears as she told us what happened. She felt betrayed by the friend who left to go drinking, felt ridiculed by the same friend who whined, "Come on, I only had a few sips..I'm not drunk!" And, most upsetting to me, is that she said she felt alone and that she had no one to call for help.
Ugh...worst parenting moment EVER. No parent wants to hear their child say that. And I had been the one who told her not to "bother" us. I felt selfish and like I'd failed as a parent.
Rather than dwell on what I hadn't communicated, my husband and I decided to sit all three of our kids down at the kitchen table for an important family discussion about what to do in an emergency. Even though we thought we'd covered it before, we decided we needed to reiterate the fact that they could call us for anything, especially with alcohol use now entering the picture.
I'll admit I was naive. We should have had this discussion at the beginning of the school year (10th grade) and not after the fact. Yes, kids at school drank, but it was never anybody my daughter hung around with. Now, it was hitting very close to home and it scared us.
So, what constituted an emergency, they asked? Great question! We told them any time they felt alone or afraid or found themselves in a situation where they thought their safety was at risk.
We explained that even though we'd paid significant money for the tickets and had been looking forward to time alone, receiving a call from her that night wouldn't have made us angry. Having her home safe was the most important thing. We could see Amy Schumer another night.
While I wallowed in self-guilt for several days after, my husband pointed out that maybe we were doing something right. Our daughter did NOT get in the car that night. She made a smart choice not to drive with someone who had been drinking. She had the confidence to confront her friend and question her capability as a driver. And, she managed to solve the problem on her own by eventually finding a responsible and trustworthy friend. Huh, I hadn't thought of it that way. He was right...maybe we weren't doing such a bad job after all.
So Mamas, just when you feel you've got this parenting thing down pat, your child turns another year older and another set of challenges arise. My husband and I are bracing ourselves for what's to come - she's our oldest, and we have two others quickly coming up behind her.
I like to think we have a loving and open relationship with all three of our daughters and they know they can talk to us about anything, anytime. By taking a step back, admitting we'd made a mistake and doing our best to correct the mistake, we now feel we're better armed for parenting through these tough teenage years. Communication is key. Oh, and a few laughs from Amy Schumer doesn't hurt either.
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