Why is the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting still required reading for pregnant women? Most moms, including yours truly, found it to be fluff- filled, completely unrealistic and generally annoying. Happily, there are many other books recently published that dig in and share the often ugly truths about our new lives as parents.
Not Guilty, an autobiographical account of media personality Debbie Travis’ guide to parenting, tells it like it is. I would never have thought a playful little read written by a woman who paints walls for a living would resonate with me. But lying in bed, I devoured her words, laughing, crying and usually agreeing with her humorous portrayal of the roller coaster ride of Motherhood.
In a way, it makes sense that a book written by someone with no professional qualifications as a parenting expert would hit the nail on the head. Instead of being book smart (she only has a highschool degree), Debbie survived raising two boys successfully while maintaing a high profile career. Her coping techniques and down to earth take on what it takes to bring up a family were a breath of fresh air - a far cry from alot of the parenting psychobabble being gobbled up today by over protective parents.
Guilt is something most moms struggle with it. Guilt that we’re not good enough, that we’re damaging our kids, that we don’t do enough for them, or with them. Guilt that we’re guilty.
Debbie’s attitude is to get rid of guilt. Instead, admit your imperfections and get on with life. She suggests a mother needs to discover novel techniques that work in her unique situation, regardless of what neighbors, parents or friends may think.
When Debbie’s boys were still babies, she had trouble getting them to take their bottles. Noticing her son Josh’s fascination with her husband’s beer bottles she cleaned one out, put milk in it and attached a plastic nipple. She writes, “I got some funny looks when I took my baby out in the pram drinking from a beer bottle...but whatever kept them content and quiet was all right with me.”
Admitting mistakes can also diffuse the guilt and allow us to laugh through the chaos. Debbie describes an incident in which her son slid out of his stroller without her noticing. A block later a kind gentleman tapped her on the shoulder and handed over her child. She was racked with shame.
It took her several years of perspective to understand that each of us have made our own mistakes. I still cringe thinking about the time my three month old son fell out of my baby carrier onto the living room carpet. Even though he was absolutely fine I cried postpartum tears for weeks after the incident. Debbie’s take: we should all “just share our stories with a friend over a drink. She probably has a worse one - and if she doesn’t, get a new friend.”
As Debbie’s boys grew older, she struggled with finding that ever elusive balance with her career as a television host. There were days when she felt overloaded at work, and “at home it felt like I was in a domestic pressure cooker” - a sensation I’m only too familiar with.
Her solution: Give yourself permission for a tiny break down. Cry. Admit defeat. Take time for yourself. “Mothers tend to believe that the world is going to stop if they take a break or let down their guard for a minute - even if they ask for help.” Rather than putting ourselves at the bottom of every list, a Mother has to take care of her needs. Happy Mother, Happy Family.
Her take on tough love also resonates with me. It’s Debbie’s opinion that parents today are doing their kids a disservice by “protecting them all the time and hovering over their every action, we’re softening our children in a way that robs them of their tools for living.’”
She calls this approach “benign neglect” - allowing kids to make mistakes and learn from them and not to be there when they fall. How else can they discover who they are and how the world works.
The books wraps up with Ten Commandments for Feeling No Guilt. I’ve photocopied and passed them out to all my girlfriends with children.
It’s about time someone painted a realistic portrait of motherhood we can all learn from.
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