Break out the burn-in-your-mouth cinnamon hearts, it’s Valentine’s. 

What a good time to talk about how we show our children we love them.  Did you know there was a right way and a wrong way?  Great eh? More to worry about. Even something as primal as love we can’t seem to get right without the so-called experts weighing in on it. (oops – that’s me!) Well, hear me out and see what you think for yourself.

Since the middle of this century, we’ve had sufficient research to be definitive in warning parents about the harmful effects of coercive and punitive parenting approaches on a child’s budding self-esteem.  We proved that showing children our love by spanking them is one “wrong way”.   

But then some over-zealous experts made a rather profound leap in logic and instructed parents to avoid doing anything that makes their child sad, unhappy, or uncomfortable lest they diminish their child’s personal sense of worth.  Parents took that advice to heart, fearing they might wound their child’s fragile psyche and now they’re labeled as “helicopter moms” accused of raising “the bubble wrapped kid”.   Well, it turns out that this protecting style is also the “wrong way” of showing children our love. Damn eh? You can’t win for trying!!

I had a pretty good idea that the official backlash on soft parenting was in full force when I head that Katie Allison Granju, best selling author of  “Attachment Parenting” has just released a new book entitled “Let Them Run With Scissors - How Over Parenting Hurts Children, Parents and Society”.  Maybe we’re finally ready for moderation and a new kind of common sense.   Of course if you think this advice is coming too late, fear not – I am just releasing my new book “Honey, I Wrecked the Kids” that should help you do any damage repair you might now be worried about. 

So what exactly is good for their self-esteem?  How do we “love them the right way?” Let me offer my thoughts.

Self-esteem is just that; it’s about how our children feel about themselves.  As they face a world of new endeavors and challenges, they discover wonderful things about themselves.  “Hey look at me! I can tie my shoe.”  With each new struggle, each new skill, they discover they are capable and self-sufficient.  They feel proud of their accomplishments and grow a calming sense of security that they can manage all by themselves.   Their self-esteem grows as their competencies to function independently develop. 

Of course, inherent to that process is struggle.  That is what learning is all about.  Nobody gets it perfect right out of the gate.  There are lots of stumbles that must be experienced so our children learn to pick themselves up, brush themselves off and keep at it.

Yes, I know, it nearly kills you to watch your child suffer, be unhappy or uncomfortable, especially if you once believed that would hurt them.  I understand how the ill-informed uber-mom wants to jump in and rescue their child.  I know we ache to use our magical mommy powers to clear the hurdles, lower the bars and make it all better for them.  We actually ENJOY caring for them.  Being a caregiver is in our job description.  Frankly, it makes us feel important and needed.  Let's face it; we do have some selfish motives here to.

Well, I am begging you to consider sitting on those loving, helping hands. Developing a healthy self-esteem means our job as parents is to create a windscreen of sorts.  We need to stand between our children and life, presenting them continually with struggles.  These challenges should be ones that we as parents know that with effort and guidance they can indeed accomplish, but which they themselves are not yet sure they can.   Too hard of a struggle, our child gets discouraged. Too easy a task and it feels too effortless to feel proud about.   We have to find that sweet spot, and most parents vastly underestimate their child’s abilities.   Learning to find that sweet spot and ride it with them to adulthood is the best way to love your child.

Go to the next page for more on how to love our kids the right way!

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada's leading parenting expert. She is the host of The Parenting Show and author of the best selling books "Breaking the Good Mom Myth" and "Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don't Work"

Visit her at www.alyson.ca