January 28, 2010

There are aspects of St. Valentines Day that I fully embrace – like hot chocolate in mid-February, there is nothing objectionable about some midwinter warmth, a little homemade sweetness, or a tray of freshly baked sugar cookies.

However, with each passing Valentine’s Day I find myself growing more and more ornery. I boycott the hearts and flowers portion of Valentine’s Day. After two shacked-up decades of auditing at the School of Manhood I can guarantee that if men were not told to, advertised to, cajoled, nudged by friends, mothers in law, and their wives, if they didn’t think that there were other areas of marriage which might suffer from the not-buying of them, men would not march out en masse on Feb 14 and buy flowers for their wives.

With every new ad, device, or bit of frippery invented and released into the world in honour of Valentine’s Day, I feel my heels digging further into the deep soil of truculence. I will neither purchase a power tool, a saccharine token of plasticized sentiment, nor man-roses as a gesture of my love. Nor do I require mandated expressions of love. In fact, I prefer expressions of love when I least expect them. They are much sweeter that way.

Worse, to me, are the Valentine’s cards that our kids are meant to buy in packs – have you noticed that the packages come in numbers just short of most classroom counts, thereby necessitating the forking out of another bundle of cash for a second and mostly extraneous package? – of cards trademarked by the industries which make it their business to study the best ways to exploit our children into buying crap? Harry Potter and his crew have featured prominently in recent years, the Disney poster boys and girls, Barbie and SpongeBob of course… you know the lineup. Trademarked friendship. Copyrighted sweethearts.

Turns out the parent councils and school policies are inadvertently in cahoots with the Trademark Goons. There are classroom guidelines around holidays and fairness. Equality. Sharing. All good, in principle. However, the St. Valentine’s Day outcome is that in the name of not hurting anyone’s feelings, of excluding no one, we teach our kids to be disingenuous. They must make a Valentine card for even the kid who stole their snack, and the girl whose gang is responsible for recess ridicule. This might work in Kindergarten and Grade 1, but by Grade 4 our children understand that we are asking them to be hypocritical.

Perhaps most beastly of all, there is money to be made from, and Valentines given based exclusively on mother-guilt. The Trademark Goons know that mothers are bound to this new inclusiveness code; they know that you will feel guilty if all the other mothers went to the trouble to buy, and what’s more, stood watch over their children while each Valentine card was laboriously filled out. You had better step on up to the stationary aisle or the candy display lest your failure to nag be noticed or your child’s loot bag be lighter for your negligence.

Here’s my homemade Valentine’s recipe for families, guaranteed to celebrate the sweetness, assuage any mother-guilt while managing the Inclusiveness Mandates and not alienating your spouse:

Frothy mugs of cocoa & heart shaped marshmallows to start the day.

 A tray of cookies in the correct classroom amount to hand out. (Too many classes/ kids? Too much of a hassle to bake that many cookies? Buy a bag of chocolate kisses for each child so they can give, with an egalitarian smile, a “valentine” to put on each classmate’s desk.)

 A homemade coupon for an Out To Dinner date, just the two of you, on any other night than Valentine’s. You win; a night out, no dishes, no cooking. He wins; no loaded Valentine’s Day expectations.

Spontaneous expressions of love will abound.

Photo Credit, plus cocoa & marshmallows at: tasteandtell

 

Labels/Tags: EarnestGirl, The West Coast Chronicles, St. Valentine's Day, motherhood, guilt, inclusiveness, exploitation

Posted by CatherineJ at 18:27:16 View Comments | Click Here to Comment

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Amen. I mean, prepurchased pink Spongebob & Thomas the Train baseballs cards as the ambassadors of love? That ain't right. The whole thing is yucky artificial and I next year I intend to stick to my guns and help my daughter assemble simple glue-glitter-construction paper hearts for her classmates. Mr. Lady & Tanis, I will be thinking of you as we scribble out the full list of kiddos, too.

Stacy Lou, Miami, FL
www.breadandbutterscotch.blogger.com

I totally hear ya, well kind of. I think that I don't care about Valentine's Day but then a couple of years ago, my husband did nothing but make homemade coleslaw (I know, random, right?) and I was a little irked that was the extent of the Valentine's Day gestures. Now he feels like he needs to do more and I don't have any energy to put into the holiday. Cocoa is a great idea!

Alecia, Hoobing Family Adventures, Boise, ID
http://hoobingfamilyadventures.com

I'm with Mr. Lady. I understand how some can feel the forced giving of Valentine cards in the classroom to all can seem hypocritical. However, as the mother to a six year old quadriplegic son who is often forgotten by classmates daily, it is nice that for one day they have to stop and remember that my guy exists and to acknowledge him. I know he appreciates it just like Mr. Lady did and as his mother, I do to.

Tanis Miller, RNM, Where the Beaver Lives, AB
http://theredneckmommy.com

Here, here! I whole-heartedly support the idea of teaching out children authenticity, and to handle disappointments - yes even romantic ones!

Sheena, Toronto, ON

Here! Here!

Barb, Burnaby, BC

I was going to say "Amen to that!" but then I read Mr. Lady's comment. So, for us grown-ups - Bah Valentine's Day. For the children - let's harness the holiday to teach acceptance, tolerance and unconditional love.

Angela, Richmond, BC

I have never, as a consenting adult, celebrated Valentine's Day. One boyfriend tried to make me celebrate Valentine's Day and I was very rude to him. I am going to raise my boys to not celebrate it either and hope for the best 20 yrs from now. The school thing is not something I had considered, like so many aspects of school that I suspect will totally flabbergast me. There was a woman I worked with at my last job who made vday her mission; she spent hours cutting out hearts, then organized a secret admirer exchange in the office. The whole time I hid at my desk and wondered why it is that some people just don't progress past elementary school. When I took over her job everyone asked if I would be carrying on the tradition. I was rather rude about that too. All that to say that I support your grumpiness. I find the marketing of something as unique and powerful and multi-faceted as love to be rather icky.

Clara, New Westminster, BC
http://torturedpotato.com/cheeseblog

I've never been much of one for VD. Or the holiday. :) I think that once your kids stop using crayons regularly, it looses its charm. I will, however, tell you a story. I was *that* kid in school. Poor, Jehovah's Witness, not one friend, bullied my whole life, scared and lonely. I wasn't allowed to celebrate VD, naturally, but every year, I'd return to school the day after (because I was kept home on all holidays) to a desk overflowing with Valentines. Even though every kid save one hated my guts, and I knew it, they all gave me a Valentine. I couldn't take them home lest I reap the Wrath Of the Mother, but I'd stay late after school every Feb 15th, opening and reading every single one. It was always the very best day of school for me, because for once, I was included. For once, people did something nice for me. Just sayin. This year, I am using my photo software to make my own Valentine's for my kids to give out. Screen Hallmark; we're doing this on our own terms.

Mr Lady, Houston, TX
http://whiskeyinmysippycup.com