First, let me just say I love my new puppy Ella more than I could ever imagine possible. My favouritest things to do in the whole wide world are now:
1) Rubbing her soft little belly and watching her legs kick in the air ..... Who has the cutest belly ever? Ella belly, that's who. Who wants her little belly rubbed up and down all day long. You do. Yes, you do.
2) Rubbing my face against her soft little ears.
3) Playing fetch with her because her little butt waddles when she runs and it's way cuter than when my butt waddles as I run.
4) Watching her drink water like a drunk frat boy bobbing for apples.
5) Laying down beside her when she’s sleeping so I can smell her stinky puppy head.
But the little fuc…., errrrr, sweetie pie, is exhausting.
People told me having a new puppy is like having a newborn but those people are wrong. It’s not like having a newborn. Newborns actually stay where you put them. They also don’t try to bite your face when you carry them.
Nope, a puppy is like a newborn in that it wakes up in the middle of the night and pees and poops whenever it wants but she can also walk and eat stuff she’s not supposed to eat.
She’s a newborn and toddler combined.
She’s a Noddler.
And you know what? Noddlers are exhausting. You can’t take your eyes off Noddlers for a second because they will chew your shoes and pee on the floor – occasionally at the same time.
My boys are both older, I have a job with a flexible schedule and I was working out on a regular basis and enjoying things like reading and showering again.
Ella has f*cked that up completely.
This is now what my workday looks like:
Check email
Play with Ella
Work on Facebook page
Play with Ella
Play With Ella
Walk Ella
Write newsletters
Clean up pee
I’ve played with you for three hours, aren’t you tired?
Answer emails
Why don't you want to take a nap????
So I’m feeling a little bit of puppy regret because my comfortable life is not so comfortable anymore, but I also feel guilty because I love her so much.
What kind of monster is SAD ABOUT GETTING A PUPPY.
I’ve actually Googled it and puppy depression is a real thing that nobody ever BOTHERED TO MENTION TO ME. So I’m going to mention it in case you decide to get a puppy and are then wondering about 10 days into it why you aren’t happy anymore.
Hint: It’s because you’re exhausted.
But I will also say that you are going to love this puppy more than anything in the world and watching her little tail wag when you come downstairs in the morning is going to make you burst into a grin no matter how tired you are.
In the meantime I’ll just hang in there and ride this out.
Until then you can find me on the floor trying to get a whiff of her stinky little head.
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