Why My Children May Never Eat Eggs Again

When we were away on vacation last week my youngest son found, what we would later realize was a giant goose egg, buried under the sand in the lake.

At first we kind of thought it was an egg but because it was so smooth, plastic-like, and large, we went against our instincts and decided it was more likely some sort of plastic ball or toy.

In the words of Vivian Ward...

Big mistake.
Huge.

Somehow the plastic-ball-toy-egg made its way back to our trailer which is when we found out it really was an egg—in fact, a very large, abandoned goose egg.

A disgusting, rotten, vile goose egg.

I’m not sure if you understand how large a goose egg is so I want you to take a moment to visualize me with my hands cupped together and an egg completely filling those cupped hands. This particular goose egg was roughly the size of four regular chicken eggs.

While I was inside reading and my husband was washing dishes, our littlest boy decided to tap the plastic-ball-toy-soon-to-be-discovered-it's-actually-a-goose-egg on the picnic table outside. This would be the exact moment we realized it was an egg because apparently a rotting egg will create gases that cause an immense amount of pressure within said rotting egg and one little tap will cause it to explode.

As a parent you learn to understand the different screams of your children. The scream coming from my oldest child said “Hey, Sharon. Things have gone FUBAR and shit is going down.”

I ran outside to see both boys, our deck, the picnic table, and everything else within a six foot radius covered in the most disgusting, rancid smelling, semi-liquid, thick, grey, oozing matter I have ever encountered.

The smell quickly spread and permeated the area. As people walked by our trailer, they stared in our direction while covering their noses.

I was the one in charge of clean up during which I almost threw up three separate times while both boys showered, scrubbed, and used almost an entire bar of soap to get the smell of their bodies.

Learn from me, people. If you ever encounter an object and you’re not sure what it is, never, ever, ever go against your instincts.

We’ll be eating pancakes for the rest of the summer.

The end.