I'm just going to put it out there. I like Christmas songs but I hate slow Christmas songs. Normally around the holiday season I'm sleep-deprived and slightly stressed because on top of all the stuff I normally do, there's the Christmas stuff too. By the way, wrapping presents is like deciding to paint your own house. It seems like a good idea at the time but about two hours into it you're all "What the f*ck was I thinking". I know you're not supposed to swear when writing about Christmas but really? Wrapping? With all the tape and ribbons and the pen getting hidden underneath the excess bits of the wrapping paper you cut off so you could make nice edges. You don't hate it?
Give me a Jingle Bell Rock or a Let It Snow! and it makes my spirits bright! Hark the Herald Angels Sing and O Holy NIght? They make me want to pour myself a coffee and Baileys, climb under the Christmas tree (the one I lugged from the basement and assembled myself) and cry. Music gets to me that way. I have a slew of Christmas CD's but the crux is they throw in slow songs amidst all the happy, joyful ones. One minute you're rocking around the Christmas tree, the next it's a freaking silent, holy night. Why do they do that???
So for all of you who are affected by sad holiday songs, I present to you my own Christmas cheer courtesy of StereoMoods in the form of Christmas In Zion. Even the sad songs have a happy upbeat feel. I feel like I should have an umbrella drink instead of Baileys.
For the record, either works.
You're welcome.
My friend Alison and I were talking about the use of ... in writing. Both of us are guilty as charged and while my use of smiley faces and LOL are an addiction, one I'm currently trying to break using a punishment/reward program that consists of elastic bands and Baileys, I stand by my use of ...
Because they aren't just three periods in a row. Those ... are a pause.
And pauses are a necessary part of my writing… it’s how I control you, the reader.
See that sentence right there? You read it and where those three little dots showed up, you paused a bit. If I wrote it like this:
And the pauses are a necessary part of my writing, it’s how I control you, the reader.
Not as effective, you read it too quickly.
What?
You did. Go back and read them. You'll read the line without the dots faster than the one with the dots.
And see that “What?” two lines above? Another control tactic.
If I had placed the 'What?' directly after the “Not as effective” sentence. You would have read it like this:
Not as effective. What?
See? Too quick.
But by placing the 'What' on the line below, you paused and the 'What?' becomes more effective - you can actually envision me with eyebrows raised, hands out, palms facing upwards and shrugging my shoulders.
More effective.
I have other tactics too.
Like if I wanted you to read something so it appears as if I’m talking very fast and slightly sarcastic I would type a bunch of words together as one whole word like this:
“If I wanted to go running, I’d hire someone to wear a hockey mask and chase me with a butcher knife thankyouverymuch”
By reading that line, you know the “thank you very much” is sarcastic whereas if I had written it out properly, you would think I was serious about hiring the ginsu wielding hockey guy. Also very polite.
Or if I’m angry or super excited, I’ll type in all caps and maybe even bold it for extra emphasis. Like when I write about my son putting our tenant’s rent cheque in the dishwasher yet again. Because really...WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THAT?
You can sense my frustration and upsettedness all because of a simple Caps Lock key.
And sometimes if I’m feeling sad or at my wit's end I’ll add in a little *sigh*
Like when I write about calling our tenant and to ask if she could please give us another rent cheque and yes, we're still working on the little dishwasher problem *sigh*
So you see? Those little… they aren’t just random dots thrown into my writing. It’s so you, the reader, will read my blogs exactly as they sound in my head.
It’s not an addiction.
I’m a cunning linguist.
Dear Family Members,
I've called this meeting because something very disturbing has been happening which we need to discuss.
It has come to my attention that someone in this family has been taking the pens from my desk and not returning them. I'm sure whoever "took them" had a very good reason to "borrow" one of my pens and simply "forgot" to return it because that's the kind of person I am. I like to give people the "benefit of the doubt".
If this is the case, please find the pens you "borrowed" and return them to my desk. You see, I am not a big things type of person. I am a little things person. It's the little things in life that put a smile on my face--the occasional glass of wine, a small piece of good chocolate, an automatic toilet not flushing mid-pee--these are the things that make me happy.
The little things also keep me centred and prevent me from walking into the nearest McDonald's and tasering everyone in sight. Pens are a part of this. When I find a good pen, it turns a bad day into a bright sunshiney day - I can see clearly now, the rain is gone and all of that.
A pen that writes without blotching leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy floating about in my happy place. Like drugs but without the chance of arrest. Alternatively, a pen that blotches and leaves smudges makes me want to lobotomize myself and everyone within spitting distance with said pen.
So all I'm asking is that if you "borrowed" one of my pens, give it back right f*cking now.
A-hem....I mean, please return it to my desk when you have a moment. Thank you.
Meeting adjourned.
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