Body image issues suck—and not in a good way—but it isn’t only our own struggles that can get us down. You may know your sexual partner is a stone fox, but if they aren’t feeling their own sexiness, it can be tough on a relationship. Personally, I’ve had major challenges with self-confidence and self-image throughout my life. Not only has that been hard for me, it’s been hard for my partner. It’s not fun seeing the person you love getting down on themselves. And it’s natural to want to help. So what do you do when the person you want to have sex with doesn’t feel like they’ve got it goin’ on?
Self-Esteem? Is A BITCH!
Sadly, negative input—hurtful comments, media images, bad experiences—seems to have a much deeper, persistent effect on our self-esteem than positive input. Recently, I read a theory that bad experiences generally leave us feeling unresolved, whereas positive experiences give us a sense of closure. So our brains can easily process and move on from the good stuff, but they hold on to the bad stuff, reliving the unhappy moment over and over and amplifying its significance in our minds. Whatever the reason, once someone’s in that dark space, it can be really difficult to find the way out.
Unfortunately, it’s also really hard to rescue someone else from that place. You look at your partner and see someone awesome and attractive. You want to look at them. You want to have sex with them. It may be utterly baffling if they don’t want to get naked or shy away from sex because they feel badly about themselves. But as much as you may want to convince them otherwise, true confidence isn’t something you can give someone else. It’s one of those comes-from-within deals—which doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t compliment your partner. I think it’s always nice to point out the things we sincerely like about one another. Just know that esteem and image issues can be tenacious. Rarely can we talk someone into feeling good about themselves.
But I must be able to do SOMETHING!
You may not be able to repair your partner’s self-esteem, but you can definitely support them in anything they’re doing that might improve their confidence. I can’t speak for everyone, but something I’ve found that builds me up is taking on new challenges and succeeding. When I stretch myself—whether it’s training for a race, working my way through my doctorate, or trying to bake a pie from scratch—the feeling when I finally accomplish my goal is a huge confidence boost. And no matter what it is I’m doing, my partner is always there supporting me, both emotionally and practically. He cheers me on. He helps make sure I have time to do what I need to do. He encourages me to keep going when I want to quit.
If you see your partner doing something that will help them feel good, encourage them. Let them know that you’re on their side. The more support they have, the more likely they are to succeed. It’s going to take time, but the more success they have, the better they will feel about who they are, both inside and out.
But I’m horny NOW!
Everyone has a right to their own sexual desires. It’s totally okay to want sexual stimulation and satisfaction—it’s part of being human. And even if your partner isn’t feeling up for much sex, there are still options for getting off. You can let your partner know that you certainly aren’t blaming them or holding them responsible for your sexual gratification, but that you’d like to explore some alternatives so that you can feel good, and they won’t feel pressured.
Sex with a partner who doesn’t feel sexy can be really tricky. And while you can’t give someone their mojo, you can love them and support them as they work to find it for themselves.
Check out some more body-love lessons or find out why I say “nay” to special occasion sex.
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