All this time we've been led down the sexual garden path, believing men just want penetration while women prefer to 'spoon'. According to the Kinsey Institute, which surveyed 1,009 heterosexual couples in long-term committed relationships in five countries, that ain't necessarily so.
While sex is still used to sell virtually everything (even -- ew -- cat food), the Kinsey report, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, seems to suggest that we aren't nearly as in touch with what really goes on in between the sheets as we pretend to be.
There are many valid reasons, for instance, that a woman's libido tends to wane, particularly in the early mothering years. But the good news according to Kinsey: we more than get our mojo back the older we get. Researchers attributed this resurgence in libido to children growing up and relieving stress on mothers, as well as "reduced anxiety" about fertility.
"Possibly, women become more satisfied over time because their expectations change, or life changes with the children grown," said Julia Heiman, director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction and lead author of the study. "On the other hand, those who weren't so happy sexually might not be married so long."
The even better news: when couples manage to stand the test of time, spanning at least 15 years, sexual relations tend to improve. Especially so for the Japanese, who were reportedly happier than Americans, both in terms of relationships and sex lives. (Sadly, no one thought to ask us Canucks about our bedtime antics.)
Meantime, it's important to ascribe the value our sex lives deserve. While it's okay to have the odd 'headache', too often we make our partners feel guilty and rejected just for feeling frisky. Intimacy is an integral part of every marriage, and it's unfair to simply brush that need under the carpet with no obvious health or relationship issue at the fore.
If Kinsey is right, although the fire may smolder at various times in our lives, we ought to tend it carefully so the spark is still there in middle age when the sex really heats up again.
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