Dissed by the ladies who lunch? Feeling flabby, frumpy, old and ugly? Is your boss a weinie who says “Nice work Karen!” while staring at your boobs...and your name is Jennifer!? Did you stupidly go bathing suit shopping?? Or do you just feel like a big ol' cry baby? If you answered yes to any or all, or if you just feel crappy, sappy or kind of unhappy* you are absolutely entitled to throw yourself a Pity Party.
It’s the easiest kind of party to plan. In fact, I’ve been known to throw one at a moment’s notice.
Here’s what you need to know to throw a successful “Pity Party.
Invitations:
Though you may certainly invite people to join your Pity Party of one, keep in mind that it’s difficult to truly get your “pity on” with others distracting you from your misery. If you must expand your guest list, be sure to limit your company to those who:
a) Have just been dumped or seriously humiliated in some way (toilet paper caught on a shoe doesn’t count)
b) Have extremely low self-esteem
c) Have recently had a horrifying beauty mishap (e.g. Hair colouring incident gone awry)
If you’re hung up on the whole party procedure thing, I suppose you could send yourself a little invitation.
What to serve?
No Pity Party is worth its salt without...salt
Chips, popcorn (but not that healthy air popped stuff) and more chips. A little dip is a nice touch. Eek! No dip and can’t face a trip out to buy some? Mayo with a little curry powder mixed in will do in a pinch. Crap, no curry? That’s okay. Just squirt the mayo right out of the bottle into your mouth, followed by a handful of Ruffles.
And of course, don’t forget these self indulgent refreshments…
Wine: But always remember to drink responsibly. Out of a glass is preferable. And with your clothes on. If glasses and clothes are not possible, at least close the curtains. Otherwise you’ll find yourself enjoying another party that involves Officer Bob, a cell and handcuffs.
Chocolate or ice-cream: Alternatively, you can have chocolate and ice cream with chunks of chocolate dipped in chocolate ice-cream with chocolate sauce, sprinkled with chocolate.
Dress:
Yes. But not required. See *closed curtains* above.
Entertainment:
Throw a copy of Sophie’s Choice in your DVD player, cry like a baby and be glad you never had to make that choice. Also sob a little because you love Meryl Streep and know you and she would be best friends if she would only follow you on Twitter. Is Meryl even on Twitter? God she’s a great actress.
Cue up a selection of sad songs on your ipod and feed off the melancholy melody. Do NOT dance. Doing so will make you feel like a giant loser which will only serve to heighten the pitying. If you insist on hugging yourself and sobbing while swaying to Wham’s Careless Whisper, make sure the curtains are indeed shut tight.
Personally, I enjoy loading up on sodium and cocoa while chatting with a best girlfriend on the phone. Be sure to choose somebody who will lend a sympathetic ear to your super pathetic tale.
Nobody likes a Party Hanger On-er, so after a few hours, it’s time to shut it down. After your self-indulgent snacking, sobbing, venting and possibly some deep introspection, you need to shake it off and move on.
~ Party Mummy – whose glass is usually half full, but during a Pity Party, it’s half empty and covered in greasy mayonnaise fingers prints....
*A Pity Party is reserved for minor irritations and irksome annoyances. If you’re truly sad or troubled, surround yourself with friends and family and tell them what is going on. Get help and get happy so you can re-join the party...the fun kind with upbeat music and dancing, with the curtains thrown wide open!
Printer-friendly version