I shouldn’t have been surprised – after all The American Music Awards are kind of like the P Diddy of awards shows. Long ago they sat atop the A-list of awards shows but now they sit just below Dancing with the Stars in terms of popularity. You know, once upon a time they were cool and drew the hottest performers but now people just feel sorry for them and show up out of pity and a small sense of obligation to Dick Clark who apparently has now been replaced in every capacity by Ryan Seacrest. No A-games were brought and The American Music Awards were honestly an exercise in sitting through the sh*ttiest performances I’ve ever seen. 

The AMA’s were an example of how lazy performers have gotten, or at the very least how insignificant the AMA’s really are. When I tune into a show that promises me Rihanna, Justin Bieber, Usher and Pink, I expect to be entertained. Last night the only thing that entertained me was reading on Twitter how much everyone else thought the show sucked too.

The performance heavy show was like watching one big dress rehearsal for some benefit concert where the stars didn’t even know what the cause was - they just showed up because Dick Clark asked them too. Miley sang in bare feet, Swifty got angry, and Usher discovered that once you’re over 30, singing and dancing at the same time can prove to be a little more difficult than it used to be. I mean let’s face it, if it weren’t for the promise of NKOTBSB closing the show, would any of us really have stuck around to the end? Where’s Kanye when you need him?

So in a nutshell if you missed the show don’t be sad – you really didn’t miss anything but a lot of bad singing and good auto-tune. Here’s my wrap up of the performances.

The Good
Well, this will be a short section! There was no great during the awards show but there was some OK that happened.

Justin Bieber – he’s from Stratford – can’t say anything bad about him. And let’s face it – he sang live and a lot better than most of the other performers! And he’s so cute I just want to pick him up and give him a big hug.

Pink - I love Pink and I love her new song and she was awesome but not as good as she normally was. I will never understand why artists sing with a backing track and blatantly let the audience know when they stop singing. It’s like she just got tired of singing so every once and a while she would stop! But I will give her a break since she’s pregnant and her boobs looked awesome and I really liked the new song!

Train – Aside from the lead singer wearing the same sparkle jeans that my 8 year old daughter has they were actually quite surprising! Loved when all the girls in the ‘Soul Sister’ shirts came onstage to dance which was a nice departure from girls in their underwear on the stage.

Taylor Swift – thought she might have done something different from the CMA’s but her straight hair and bangs stole the show so it didn’t matter. And at the end, when she mashed up her ‘Back to December’ song and One Republic’s ‘Apologize’ and got all dark and angry – I liked it.

Christina Aguilera was good – I mean she can sing which is awesome, and I know she’s promoting her new movie Burlesque but couldn’t she have made it look a little different than Lady Marmalade? I’m kinda on the fence about her performance. One thing about Christina is she can’t dance but she doesn’t know that so she keeps trying which is somewhat entertaining. But it pisses me off that there’s speculation that she’s pregnant because she dared show up at an awards show bigger than a size 0. She’s a woman for the love of God, with hips! She looked incredible and just because she’s bigger than the average 15 year old doesn’t mean that she’s pregnant! Leave X-Tina alone!
 

Then there was Enrique Iglesias – who sang one of my most favorite songs ever! Seriously nothing like a party song to get the audience singing and dancing and then bam! They throw Miley Cyrus out there singing the most ridiculous song ever! In bare feet! Channelling her inner Stevie Nicks. Miley was so distracted by trying to look all angst-y and wise and she kept trying to make eye contact with the camera instead of actually worrying about singing. Miley turned the good of Enrique Iglesias into the Not So Good!

The Not So Good

So the show started out with Rihanna performing. Honestly I was so looking forward to it until she started singing. She began singing her Eminem song and then transitioned into her latest release, Only Girl in the World. I hated it. She was trying too hard to do her dancehall thing which was almost as distracting as the terrible angle that she was shot at that was making her bottom half of her body look incredibly disproportionate to the top half of her body. It was all bad. And unfortunately it set the tone for the night.

Then Kid Rock performed and I know a bunch of you on twitter were all ‘oh wow at least someone who can sing live’ but I was all ‘OMG how long is this song this is the most boring shit I’ve ever heard’ so – not loving it. And he looked like he was at a benefit concert. Fail.

I must admit I had high hopes for the Black Eyed Peas but they disappointed me too! It’s like they think they can just show up and that’s enough – like there’s no effort put into the ‘show’ anymore! This is an awards show, not a concert!!! You know your song blows when the only thing people are talking about is Fergie’s cleavage (holy cow did you see that?!!?)

Katy Perry showed us all why we should be thankful for auto tune and backing tracks. Except she should have instructed them to turn it up because I could hardly hear her! Honestly what was it with last night? Was there some kind of Google trend alert that went around saying that choirs were hot, so everyone had one? Anyway Katy looked great and I like the song but she just didn’t pull it off last night.

Usher can’t sing and dance at the same time, but yet he kept trying to do it. And that was unfortunate because he could have lip synched – I mean it is an awards show after all. So if you want to do a big dance number then maybe you have to sacrifice the live singing. But don’t try to do it all because that results in a really half assed performance. It was bad, and it made me sad.
 

The Why?
Um, Diddy Dirty Money – why? Remember when Diddy was cool? Remember when Diddy was dating JLo? Yeah, I bet he does too.

OK, and don’t hate me, but I’m not a Bon Jovi fan. And I can’t quite understand why they performed. They sang a medley of a bunch of their hits and looked like it was a pain in the ass for them. Those boys are far too coiffed, tanned, polished, made up and botox’d for them to be believable as rockers any more. Jon Bon Jovi had the worst soap opera hair I’ve ever seen and there were incredibly cheesy lightening graphics that flashed on the screen when Ritchie Sambora did his guitar solo. Um, why?

Neyo was Michael Jackson. Honestly – no idea what he sang, but all I saw was Smooth Criminal happening. Except he was boring.

Ke$ha kinda bothers me. I mean the blatant Gaga rip off is one thing – but the girl can kinda sing so I’d really appreciate her ditching this whole stupid bratty persona she’s trying to portray and just sing. But that’s apparently asking too much since she showed up wearing a dress made out of VHS tapes. Like she even knows what VHS tapes are!

Gavin Rossdale and Santana just confused me. Does Santana have some sort of pact with Dick Clark? Like maybe he has something on him where he gets to show up at all his awards shows and try to make himself relevant again? Because that entire performance was like watching a really bad wedding singer. But then again, the AMA’s were like a really bad wedding.

And then there was NKOTBSB
Alright I admit it, I was a huge NKOTB fan ‘back in the day’! And yes, I liked Danny, and Joey Joe. So the promise of seeing NKOTB perform with the Backstreet Boys had me giddy – giddy enough for me stick out 3 hours of bad performances to see the boys bring it. And they brought it - or at least all they’re capable of bringing anyway! The performance was awkward and painful and pitchy and so bad but I can’t wait to go see this concert!!! Not because I want to endure more of the painful performances but because of how incredibly school girlish I got when I was watching them!

But they were bad – they were oh so bad. I mean when they all sang together on Step by Step – I cringed. And when Brian Littrell tried to hit even one note on his solo – train wreck. Let’s face it, Nick Carter was the best there was. But I love that these boys are coming back and trying to reclaim some of their lost glory. I miss boy bands. I’d give my right arm for a NKOTBSB/N’Sync/98 Degrees reunion tour. Don’t lie, you would too.

So Justin Bieber won the big prize of the night and while I love me some JBiebs he beat out Eminem and Gaga so really, how seriously can you take the AMA’s anyway? If you missed them be glad you did. Honestly there were no standout performances and it was kinda like watching a high school talent show except I’m 38 and it’s been a long time since I was in high school.
 

But now I want to hear from you – what did you think of the AMA’s?

Scene and Heard
Confessions from a Pop Culture Mummy