The holidays are meant to be a time for embracing your loved ones and spending quality time together, but people often get pushed aside for the sake of other stuff. It's frustrating because most of us have a little time off during the holidays, so you'd think we'd find ways to be more intimate with each other with all the opportunities the extra time affords. But the best "Let's get it on tonight" intentions often give way to "Great. Another party I need to make a cheese ball for."
But you need to make time to get out of the kitchen and the shopping mall, friends. You need to pay attention to your own needs.
YOU NEED TO GET LAID.
We're moms (and dads) but we're still sexual beings. (That's how many of our babies got here, right?) But kids + busy holidays = NO SEX HAPPENING. Despite having extra time on our hands, long form sex is forgotten. So play with the deck you're given and embrace the quickie. If sex needs to be of the drive-by variety, it can still be a lot of fun, so long as you go in prepared. Just remember the basics:
Here are 6 creative (and totally legal!) places you can try when you want to get it on:
If you can't seem to get away from the kids, leave the iTunes Store or Netflix open on the laptop and tell them you're going downstairs to "investigate that weird noise." They'll be so scared, I'm betting they won't move for at least a half hour. Any grown up sounds you make can later be chalked up to a "stair troll" ensuring future trysts go uninterrupted.
Bonus: Set the washer to extra rinse for extended spin action and if you're creative with your position, you can also get a load of towels folded.
Pretend your water heater is broken. Complain about it all day to set the stage for the kids and expect a groan and some cursing from your partner until he realizes it's a cover. This is also a great opportunity for role play if you can convince your partner to wear an orange day glow vest and home-printed fake Gas Company ID. Encourage sexy talk earlier in the day by sending a cryptic text asking if his pipe fitter license is valid, if-ya-know-what-I-mean.
Since we're having a milder than usual December, use the great weather as an excuse to invite the whole family to rake leaves and clear garden debris. Most kids balk at chores, so no one will go for it. When you think about it, the garden shed makes the perfect quickie getaway because you can make lots of noise (plug in the leaf blower!). The summer lounge chairs in storage provide an alternate to the usual quickie position of balancing on one foot while clinging for life to your partner. So hide a bottle of your Trojan lubricant, like Arouses & Intensifies inside a pair of gardening gloves, put on some easy access clothing, and head to the shed.
Let's be honest. Raise your hand if you have a private nickname for your kid and that nickname is "buzzkill." Taking a shower is something you have to do anyways, so it's the ultimate location for quickie sex because you're actually multi-tasking. Shower sex is always a great quickie spot because you can lock the door and no one questions your motives.
Normally, a minivan isn't known as a sex machine. If you see a man driving a minivan and he's smiling, call the cops because that vehicle is stolen. When you come home from holiday shopping or the staff Christmas party, park the van and turn it off. Don't worry about heat because you're about to make your own. Re-enact your younger days if you want, just push the toy bags and stocking stuffers aside first. And now that you're older, you're wise enough to know lubricant is your friend so keep a bottle handy in the glove box (but during the summer, never store it in temps above 37 degrees!). Answer any curious questions by saying it's for the flux capacitor.
This is not for beginners. I repeat: not for beginners. It's also best if your attic is finished - even great sex isn't great with insulation burns or scarred lungs. But if you and your partner are seriously sexy-time challenged, your kids are stickier than Velcro this month, and there's been a toddler in your bed since 2008, you need to go big or go home. Sneak up into the place they don't even know exists - the attic. Make sure you've got a solid floor, a clean work surface, and safe air to breathe. Plan a reliable escape route first - no one wants to scream for a neighbour through a dormer window, naked and with no reasonable explanation. TRUST ME ON THIS. You will forevermore be known as "that" couple and your invitation to the neighbourhood block party will mysteriously get lost in the mail. But if you succeed - if you get the "in the attic" square punched on your Quickie Card, you won't stop smiling until Valentine's Day.
Make sure your holidays are fun. We all make promises to stress less and love more each year, so this year, DO IT (literally). Make sure you take time to spend with your partner this holiday, because getting it on is more fun than fighting about credit card bills or making threats about what you'll burn down if your partner's Uncle Fred starts going on about his view of women working outside the home.
Don't grow apart this holiday season; come together.