How to Avoid Having This Year's School Picture Become an Internet's Meme

The back-to-school ads have given way and the commercials for Swiss Chalet's Festive Special are waiting in the wings. Most kids have been back into the swing of things at school for a few weeks now, and in our region the school photographer is making the rounds. Every year on school picture day my children head off to school looking reasonably tidy, with me waving good-bye at the bus stop thinking, "Yep. This is our year. This will be the year they hit the mark."

A few weeks later they’ll come home and pull crisp white envelopes from their backpacks and proudly show me their school photos. Photos I paid for.

And once again I will realize that this year? This year will not be our year.

So in the interest of preventing our children from becoming a horrible Facebook meme — perhaps from even appearing next to that dude with the laser cat in the "Horrible Pictures" line-up — I’ve prepared some school photo day tips.

Tips for Great School Photos

Practice Makes Good Enough

Practice photo poses at home. Showing your child how to smile at a stranger may not keep him safe on the playground, but it’ll pay off come School Picture Day and Christmas card season.

Set it and (Don't) Forget it

Write down the date as soon as you receive notice from the school. I can’t tell you the number of times my son has been photographed in a skull and cross-bones bathing suit and rubber boots simply because I didn’t mark the date on the calendar. (Note: Three.)

Don't be a Lunchbox Hero

Send a tidy lunch. Picture Day is no time for marinara meatball surprise in the thermos, parents. Forgo your usual culinary lunchtime treats. No hand-carved radish roses or pinwheel sandwiches today. Keep it dry and keep it tidy. Crumble-free crackers or soft pieces of bread are a good bet. Actually, it may be best to “forget” to pack your child a lunch altogether that day. Offer a big breakfast instead. Bonus: gaunt, pale cheeks in photos are flattering to all body types.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Before children assemble for pictures, sign in at school as snack-parent. Find your child’s locker, then move two or three lockers to the right. In that locker you will no doubt find someone's school gear including a hoodie and a lunch box. Tear one sleeve off the hoodie, and steal the lunch box. Pro tip: hoodie sleeve can be used to wipe down fingerprints left at scene.

Relax; Your Kids (Probably) Aren't the Worst

I’m a firm believer of the “If you’re not the worst, then you’re pretty much almost sorta the best” principle. It works like this: if in a class of say, 25 kids, mine aren’t wearing the most unflattering assortment of contrasting patterns, or have the most unkempt hair, or sport the most mustard on their t-shirts, then we’re in the clear. No one’s going to remember my son as being the standout with grass stains up his front and half a Band-Aid from his skinned knee if another kid in that year’s picture is missing one sleeve of his hoodie and looks royally pissed off because his lunch was stolen.

Adapt to Your Environment

If you’re lucky and your school offers a green screen “choose your own background” option, request “pig pen” or “mud pit.” This will preemptively quell the “What the hell is on his face?” questions you’ll no doubt get from well-meaning relatives who clearly never had male children nor ate mustard.

Finally, if — despite all your best efforts to starve, vandalize, and bribe your way to successful photos — cherish the ones you get. They’re a clear snapshot of who your child was that very day, and that is a gift to be treasured. If that means he or she is wearing a superhero themed pajama top, mismatched bedroom sneakers, and a hat they took from the bowling alley lost-n-found, then so be it.

Unlike the hat, the photo won’t smell like beer and urinal cakes.

Parenting a teen? Visit my Panic Button Years and join me for the ride, won't you?

I've also written about Why You Should Give Your Teenager the Freedom to be an Idiot, and Your Teen and Their Friends.

IMAGE SOURCE: CHRISTINLOLA VIA GETTY IMAGES  |  RYANJLANE VIA GETTY IMAGES