When you have a new baby, people will offer you parenting advice. Some of it will be good; some of it will be bad; and some of it will be straight up bat-shit crazy and involve burying a half a sprouted potato in the most northern corner of your yard under a full moon. (These are actually the people you want in your tribe or at the very least on your beer pong team.)
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You are going to hear things about feeding, vitamins, bedtime, play-dates, chores, whether or not your child should wear cloth diapers or disposable diapers or if you should just have them pee in a hole in the backyard (see “potato people” referenced above). People who don’t even know your last name or birthday will ask about the state of your nipples and the condition of your baby-squeezy-out-y parts. There will be discussion of public vs. private school and discipline techniques (tip: just don’t be an asshole). I once had a complete stranger ask me how I planned to “develop the soul and moral structure” of my sleeping 3-week-old son, who — bless his heathen soul — awoke at the sound of his Mama Bear’s roar to provide the distraction of some explosive below-the-waist happenings.
Most of the unsolicited advice you will receive will apply to the years 0-10, with the bulk of that strictly for the under-5 set. Anything beyond mid-elementary school is generally uncharted territory. Is this because by then no one cares if you screw up? Or have they realized that nature is perhaps as strong as nurture? Can the silence be construed as an admission that no one really knows what the hell they're doing? Parenting is a crap-shoot for the most part but I will tell you the one thing I do know for sure:
Look at your baby right now. They’re probably in your arms, so just look down. (If they're not, go get them and pick them up. Babies are for holding, so that's rule #1 right there.) So sweet, right? Like, seriously — is this not the most precious and important person in your life? (This will never change, and if you have additional children, don’t worry about not having enough love to go around. The formula uses multiplication — not division — so fret not because this kind of love is exponential.) This is a person you would literally kill for and even perceived slights against this child will raise your anger to a thick froth so BACK OFF, FUTURE MEAN PEOPLE I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH.
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But.
Then one day, something will happen. I will tell you what that thing is, but if your child is small and sweet and still has that new-car smell you will never believe this can be true, but oh, so sorry; it is true.
The day will come that — even though you will still love that child with everything you have in you — the day will come that you do not necessarily like him or her very much.
Sounds crazy, right? I KNOW. But it’s true. One day when they're...oh, I dunno, 14 or so, you will look at your child's face and you will note the outline of their soft features and they will be just as beautiful as the day you met them. They are still the same person and you will love them completely just as you did when they were babes in arms, it’s just that now they are a larger, smellier, currently meaner, smarter, sharp-witted version of themselves who sometimes inspire less than loving feelings and it’s okay. Hang in there because the feeling will pass.
I think.
Image source: WikiCommons
Read more from Jeni Marinucci about Teens:
Why I'm Glad I was a Child of the 80s
Awkward Moments in Parenting: The Teen Years
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