In two short weeks, my mat leave is over, and I'm heading back to my full-time day job. This hurts my heart. Not because I don't love my job (I do) but because I don't like working 40 plus hours a week and commuting. I'll miss my kids. A lot. There will be a huge adjustment period, and I'll actually need to start getting dressed before 2pm. And possibly start brushing my hair (if I have time.) I'm going to miss my afternoon snuggles, trips to the park, and spontaneous living room dance parties. 

Potty training is fun, isn't it?

After months and months of endless potty training talk (and bribery), my son turned two and a half, and shortly after he decided he was done with diapers. He wanted to start going on the potty. Awesome!

However, what I didn't realize, was how often I'd be dealing with accidents. And leak-throughs. And refusals to wear diapers during naptime and during the night. Not Awesome.

I know. I know. It's not safe for kids to wear bulky coats while in their carseats. I've watched the YouTube videos with the crash-test dummys. I've been sufficiently scared enough to know better. Car seat safety is important. So, my kids don't wear bulky coats in their car seats. 

Since I'm a chronic rule-follower, I'm following the rules. But that doesn't mean I like it. No. In fact...

I fucking hate it.

Loathe it.

Guess what?

I just had my third baby! I know this might come as a surprise, and it was a very long gestation period (seven years,) but my beautiful baby is finally here and I couldn't be more excited. Are you confused? Keep reading.

The Top 5 Unglamorous Items You Need After Giving Birth

They're roughly three feet tall. They can't quite pronounce "sh" words yet. They have small hands, and yes, they sometimes smell like cabbage. They bring us copious amounts of joy and within seconds they can have us on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

Here are the Universally Irritating Things That Toddlers Do. If you have one of these beings in your house, I'm sure you can relate...

1. Every day around 5pm, you're guaranteed to hear this phrase "Dinner is yucky!"

No, it's not sleep (though that would be amazing). No it's not a spa day, or time to herself, or help with the laundry, or a perfect bikini body. It's a little more abstract, and a little more ambitious...

But every Mom I know wants this: balance. 

Yes, I know. It's like the unicorn of motherhood. That thing we're all striving for even though we know it doesn't really exist. But we're stubborn, and ridiculous, and dammit: we want to have it all! Right?

We have a nearly three year-old, and a nearly one year-old. We are knee deep in diapers, laundry, and battery operated toys. Leaving the house for an afternoon requires sippy-cups, toddler snacks, baby snacks, diapers, wipes, outfit-changes, and small travel toys for entertainment. Times two. If we stay overnight anywhere, we look like we're going on a European backpacking adventure. 

Our days begin at 5:30am, but I also see the clock at 3:30am, 2:00am, and 12:30am.

Hooray for the holidays! Time off from school and work (presumably) to spend time with those you love (and those you're forced to "love" or at least pretend to like. That's why there's spiked eggnog, my friends!) 

And as much as you're probably relieved to have some much needed rest, and some much needed chocolate-dipped-everything, there is something you might be fearing...

DAY AFTER DAY SPENT WITH...YOUR CHILDREN

Babies crying on Santa's lap photos are the best, and I've always wanted one for my own personal collection. Is that cruel? Maybe. But it's such a holiday treasure, isn't it? A right of passage in a way? Sure. Go with it. Unfortunately, despite being terrified, I've never managed to capture Cole's fear on camera. I considered pinching him mid-photo, but I didn't want one of the nosy elves to call Children's Aid...

A few Sundays ago, I was having one of those days. No, not one of those days. The other kind. The rare kind: the kind where all of the stars line-up and you find yourself thinking, "Holy shit. I've got my shit together! I'm rocking the shit out of this day." (Does anyone else swear as much when they self-congratulate? Well, now you know what goes on in my head...)

But seriously, I was kicking-ass a few Sundays ago.

Last year, my Mom bought an Elf On The Shelf for Cole, and I made her return it.

I know. I'm such a Grinch. But I had my reasons, and they were good ones. I didn't like the idea of Santa having a "spy" in the house to keep an eye on Cole's behaviour. I didn't like the idea of a commercialized forced tradition. If there was going to be an elf in my house pulling pranks, I wanted him to be one that I created - not one I bought in a "kit." Truthfully, I thought it was trendy and stupid. 

To the Dog in the family with young children, this poem is for you:

*aghem*

Years ago, when we first brought you home - you were our one and only.

You would sleep on the bed, you had a basket of toys, you were never lonely. 

We would go for walks, in those good old days, for hours on end every day. 

You'd frolick in parks, and sniff dog's butts; your world was full of play. 

You had winter boots and a matching coat, you were always neatly groomed. 

Well, folks, I’m moving up the echelons in the interview world, and I'm no longer just interviewing family members!

Well folks, I've officially reached my exhaustion breaking point.

I lasted almost three years. I've had a good run. Sure, I've had plenty of exhausted meltdowns up until this point, but last weekend I reached a new low. A new level of energy-sucking exhaustion I've never felt before. 

Are you exhausted? Do you have grown-up temper tantrums some days that rival your toddlers? Do you find yourself looking in the mirror thinking, "What the hell happened to my breasts?" 

Then yes, you must be a Mom.

Do you log onto Instagram or Facebook and see pictures of other mothers you know and think, "How the hell do they have their shit together?" And then proceed to hate yourself, just a little bit?

Most likely. 

Well, fear not my frazzled-mom-friend, I am here to help!

When my son was born, we lived in a small urban townhouse and every square inch of our living space was precious. We had very little baby gear, and only allowed toys that had multiple functions. If it was big, bulky and our son would outgrow it quickly then I didn't want it in our house. I suppose this is officially when I became a Toy Snob. 

I'm not pushy enough to be a good journalist, but I love love love interviewing people. So I've decided to start doing that more and using my blog as my interview platform. I'll be interviewing ordinary everyday people, quasi-famous people, and one day . . . maybe even famous-ish people. Excited? Me too!

So first up on my interview list is . . . 

My Husband. (So clearly, he fits into the famous-ish category. Right?)

I haven't actually gathered any data, but I would make a hypothetical guess that "why won't my baby sleep?" And "when will my baby sleep?" and "baby who won't sleep" are among Google's top trending searches since the beginning of its existence. 

I'm still pinching myself. I feel like a rockstar, but now that I'm back to reality, I'll take the time to fill you in on what the Warman family has been up to...

Are you my friend—in real life or online? There's a good chance you are. I have a lot of friends. I'm not bragging, but it's true. I've worked hard to stay in touch and stay connected with my friends. I've even gone out of my way to make new friends (gasp!). I like having good people in my life.