Jen Warman: New Freakin' Mummy

Oct
05
2015

If You're a Woman There's a 90%* Chance You Like This

* ACCORDING TO MY VERY UN-SCIENTIFIC STUDIES AT LEAST...

love tickles and touches

If I had to make a list of the things I love the most in life, it would look something like this:

1. MY KIDS & FAMILY

2. BACK & ARM TICKLES

3. CEREAL

4. CHOCOLATE & WINE

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Blissdom, Blue Mountain, BlissatBlue, getaway, blog conference, 2015, moms getaway, mom life

This will be my third year attending BlissDom, but it will be my first time staying overnight and fully immersing myself in the experience (read: getting drunk and partying with my friends and colleagues). Why, you ask? Two reasons: 1) This is the first year that I'm not pregnant or don't have a young nursling at home, and 2) This is the first year that BlissDom is at a location far away enough that I can't drive home after the day's events, even if I wanted to.

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Sep
10
2015

Wise Words From the Woman Who Waxed Me

I WENT IN FOR A BRAZILIAN, I LEFT WITH SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOOTH LABIA.

getting waxed

Usually when you get a Brazillian wax, you expect to leave the appointment with tender lady bits and perhaps a bit of sticky wax in your asshole. What you don't normally expect is to leave with exceptional words of parenting wisdom that will forever improve your relationship with your child. 

Let me back up and tell you the story.

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Aug
27
2015

That Time I Tried A Home Network Marketing Business

I JAMMED MY FOOT INTO THAT GLASS SLIPPER, DAMNIT. IT JUST WOULDN'T FIT.

That Time I Tried Network Marketing

So. I did it. I took the plunge - and I did something I never thought I'd do: network marketing.

I even wrote a blog post a couple of months ago talking about it as a great 9-5 career alternative for mom's (and it is). But here is the thing:

It wasn't for me. 

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Aug
10
2015

Exposing Myself Through the Contents of My Purse

THIS IS WHAT A MOM'S PURSE LOOKS LIKE. IF SHE WERE A HOARDER AND A TRASH COLLECTOR.

inside a purse, purse, organization, hoarders, trash, motherhood, comedy, mothers, purses, kids, the things we do, inside a purse, inside out, honesty, exposure, jen warman

I'm about to share something very personal and embarrassing with you guys: the contents of my purse.

Whenever I get a new bag, I start out with the best of intentions, and a declaration to the universe. A purse pledge, that sounds something like this: 

"Dearly beloved new bag that smells divine and sweet. I will NOT turn you into a junk pile/trash can/collector of random shit. I will carry you proudly, and stroke you gently with love and affection..." (I'm making my husband jealous). And then two months later, what happens?

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Jul
21
2015

10 Ways to Increase Your Happiness

WHEN YOU'RE FEELING CRAPPY - CRANK UP THE HAPPY WITH THESE TEN TIPS!

happiness, find your happiness, tips for happy people, tired, new mom, music, friends, laughter, puppies, inner kid, emotions

Generally, I'm a pretty happy person. I have a positive outlook. I smile a lot. In fact, I don't even know how to not smile in photos. I'd be a terrible model. I could never pull off the moody/indifferent look. See? I look like I'm having a stroke when I try to do the pouty thing. 

tips to increase happiness

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Jul
09
2015
summer, fun, kids, love, toddlers, busy life, parenthood, peter pan, peter panning it, jen warman, cole, maeve, kid fun

Maybe it's because Maeve isn't such a baby anymore, and she might  be our last (she'll most likely be our last). Or maybe it's because it's summer - and all I want to do is play, play, play (and not work, work, work).  But I've totally been Peter Panning it lately, and it's awesome.

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Jun
12
2015
busy parents, working parents, balance, busy mom, working mom, house cleaning, pure clean, natural cleaners, wine, meal planning, kids, busy life

Most families I know have two working parents. Often one, or both of the parents, spend time commuting. With kid(s) in daycare/school, and extra curricular activities, it's hard to imagine where parents "nowadays" (I sound like I'm 80) find time to fart, let alone fold the laundry.

Well, since I've returned to work after baby number two, here are five things we've done in an effort to stay sane:

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Jun
09
2015

Do You Poop in Front of Your Partner?

IS ANYTHING SACRED IN A MARRIAGE?

pooping, Humour, parenting, poo in public, private, drop a loaf, comedy, relationships, social aspect of pooping

Maybe it's the German in me, but I've always had a fascination with poo.

(Is that a discriminatory thing to say? But I can sort of get away with it, because I'm German? What if I make that statement while wearing lederhosen and eating schnitzel? Did I just make this situation worse? Possibly...)

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May
26
2015

5 Strange Ways I Feel Connected to My Kids

WHO NEEDS LAB RATS WHEN YOU CAN OBSERVE YOUR OWN CHILDREN?

It probably comes as no surprise to you that I love my children. (I think most mothers love their children...most of the time).

I love hugging them (Elmira from Anamaniacs style) kissing them (obsessively) and making them laugh (they think I'm freaking hilarious! They're only three and one, but I'll take it!)

What I also love is observing their behaviours and watching their personalities develop. They're like my little lab rats, and it's awesome (but they're not rats so that makes it even more awesome).

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May
19
2015

Careers for Moms: Think Outside the Cubicle

WHEN YOU WANT MORE - THERE ARE WAYS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN

career_options_for_moms

Becoming a mother changes you.

It just does. Whether it's the jeans that used to fit that remain folded in the back of your closet, or the tears that now roll down your cheeks while watching Cottonelle commercials: you're different after you become a mother. 

For some, the change is drastic. Others barely notice the shift - but it's there.

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May
14
2015
sunscreen, battles, sunscreen battles, shit show, every season has its battles, sunscreen kids, spf, zinc based sunscreen

Last week, I put the winter coats away and sighed with relief.  Sure, I was happy the nice weather was finally here to stay - but I was even more ecstatic that I could finally get into the van with ease. NO MORE SNOWSUITS.

But then I remembered, with nice weather comes...

THE SUNSCREEN BATTLES.

*cue horror movie-music and echoed screams*

Just when I thought that I could maybe get out the door with both kids in under 15 minutes, my happy bubble was burst. 

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May
11
2015

The Time My Son Went On A Bath Strike

HE USED TO LOVE THE BATH. THEN ONE DAY, HE DIDN'T.

bath strike, toddlers, bath, bathing kids, refusing to have a bath, bubble baths, comedy, parenting, frustrations, slivers in foot, slivers, meltdowns

My son, who is three, went on a three-day bath strike - out of nowhere.

All of the sudden, the other night, he refused to get into the tub. "Okay, he is tired." No big deal. He brushed his teeth, and we put him to bed.

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Apr
21
2015

Would You Get a Post Baby Boob Job?

I JUST WANT MY BOOBS TO RESEMBLE BOOBS. NOT BALLSACKS.

boobs, boob job, plastic surgery, implants, breastfeeding, would you ever get a boob job, comedy

Honestly, I can't really believe I'm writing this blog post, for many reasons. But alas, me and my sad boobs are sitting here, writing you this blog post.

If you've been reading my blog over the years, you might remember this ode to my old breasts...

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Apr
17
2015
house, kids, parenting comedy, jen warman, humour, toddlers, random, messy house, cleaning with toddlers, random kids, funny

Guess what I found in my kitchen pantry the other day?

A toy chainsaw.

Yep. Sitting right there in the bread basket. My son's Stihl brand chainsaw, laying nonchalantly across the Country Harvest multigrain. Having a rest after a long day's work.

And I get it. Bread is comfortable. Why wouldn't a chainsaw want to get all snuggly and cozy on top of a fresh loaf of bread? A totally logical place for a chainsaw to take a rest if you ask me. 

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Mar
23
2015

Are We Done Having Kids?

YES. NO. MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW.

are we done having kids, two vs three kids, two kids, three kids, million dollar family, debate over number of kids, how many kids to have

As my daughter approaches her first birthday, naturally I've started thinking...about having another baby.

I'm nuts, right? We have a three year-old boy, and a one year-old girl. The million dollar family, or so I'm told. My husband is more than happy to be "done." I've never seen someone so eager to have a sharp blade near their genitals.

He's waiting for me to give him the thumbs up. The go ahead. The green light. He's already planned himself a vasectomy party. (Which basically involves him watching sports and drinking beer.) 

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Mar
17
2015
first birthday, maeve, turning one, 1st birthday, mother and daughter love, jen warman

Most of the time, I write blogs about my experience as a parent. Today, I'm writing a blog post specifically for my daughter... 

Maeve, today you are one. 

So of course I'm going to say things like, "Where has the time gone?" and "My baby is growing up." And all of it is true. This last year has been incredible, and I've loved watching you grow.

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Mar
13
2015

As my daughter's first birthday approaches, I find myself re-living the day she came into this world. I look back at the photos of her birth and my eyes instantly fill with happy tears. It was truly one of the most amazing days of my life. 

When I watched the video earlier today about Kate and David Ogg's birth experience, I instantly got a lump in my throat. 

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Mar
07
2015

An Open Letter to Women in Abusive Relationships

I've never met you, but I promise you, I care

Dear friend,

I want you to know that you're strong, and you're not alone. Many women have been in relationships just like yours.

I want you to know that you have resources available to you, and people who care about you.

I've never met you, but I promise you, I care.

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Feb
27
2015

Are You a Chronic Bailer?

MOMS ARE THE WORST OFFENDERS

When it comes to people who constantly cancel at the last minute (or just don't show up at all) I truly believe that Mom's are the worst offenders. I'm sorry, but it's true. Mom's are chronic bailers.

Not all moms, but most moms. And we have good reasons!

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