Hey, food bloggers: STOP POSTING DELICIOUS RECIPES!
Hey, co-workers: STOP BAKING AWESOME SHIT AND BRINGING IT INTO WORK!
Don't you know that I lack self-control on a good day? And now...pregnant? It's impossible to turn down your chocolate candy cane bark, and your homemade cranberry-white-chocolate-chip cookies! Are you trying to give me gestational diabetes? Or are you just trying to win the office pool on "how large will Jen's ass get?"
Seriously. The madness needs to stop!
*reaches over for a bite of a macaroon*
*licks chocolate off her fingers*
Maybe I need to think about this logically. Perhaps there is a REASON I'm so tempted by treats right now?
1) Maybe my body knows it will be an extra cold winter, and wants to add a layer of fat? Y'know...to protect me, and keep me warm? All the skinny losers will be shivering with their low BMI's while I smile warmly, wrapped in a blanket of my own rolls.
2) Maybe food has feelings, and it feels sad when no one eats it? Especially homemade baked goods? "All this love and effort was put into me, and now you're not even going to eat me?" (said in the voice of the Gingerbread man from Shrek) And then it cries itself to sleep at night.
3) Maybe I subconsciously like to be challenged and want to have to work harder to lose weight after the baby is born?
"You gained 30 pounds? Haha. I gained 150 pounds! My weight loss success story is going to kick your story's ass!" And then I'll have my own reality TV show.
4) Maybe we are on the verge of a scientific discovery that suggests that sugar and chocolate help fight cancer, and people will think I'm a genius. "I knew it all along!" *shovels a spoonful of Nutella into her mouth*
Or maybe...just M A Y B E...I'm putting a lot of effort into justifying the consumption of these mouth-watering treats, and I should really be paying attention to the sad pre-cut vegetables in my lunch. They must have feelings too, right? And the magical ability to talk and sing? I imagine this is what they're trying to say to me right now... (listen here)
Happy Holidays folks. I'll be in the back corner, guiltily munching a carrot with Rudolph.
Often in pregnancy we tend to complain. A lot. And usually, for good reason — there is a lot to complain about!
Nausea, back pain, hip-pain, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, gingivitis, swollen ankles, swollen feet, swollen everything, weight gain, constipation, random hairs, pubic-bone pain, vagina pain, breast pain, everything-on-your-body-pain, sleeplessness, nightmares, night sweats...
Shall I go on?
But all of that aside...there are some UP-SIDES of being pregnant? Get ready for a dose of optimism.
Here are THE PERKS OF PREGNANCY
1) WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT, THERE IS A LOT OF SHIT YOU CAN'T DO. Trust me, this can be a good thing. "I'm sorry, I'd love to change the cat litter, but I guess that's off my to-do list for the next 40 weeks...." or what about, "Yikes, I'd love to clean the toilet but I probably shouldn't expose myself to harsh chemicals (but if you use green products like we do — this won't work as an excuse. Damnit. On second thought...screw you environment, I'm picking up some Mr.Clean on the way home..)
2) YOUR BOOBS LOOK GREAT. Sure, the rest of your body might feel like it's going to shit, but these new teenage buoyant breasts are a fun perk for sure. Even if they're too tender for your significant other to touch. At least they look great, so enjoy them while they last, because if you're anything like me this might happen after you're done breastfeeding (if you choose to do so...)
3) YOU CALL THE SHOTS. (Ha, like you didn't before anyway, right? Kidding. Mostly...) But now, no matter what, YOU WIN because you're growing a human and nothing can trump that. Your significant other says, "I had such a bad day at work." and you can say, "Yeah, me too. Plus, it felt like someone was carving hieroglyphics into my cervix with an ice pick. Did I mention I'm growing a human? Do you mind getting dinner started?"
4) RANDOM RAGE IS JUSTIFIED. (This one is pretty self explanatory. You can also read more about my rage theory here).
5) YOU CAN END UNWANTED CONVERSATIONS QUICKLY. If you're in the middle of a boring conversation, you can excuse yourself with lines like, "Sorry, I just got kicked in the bladder. There is a very good chance I might piss myself if I don't go to the bathroom immediately."
6) YOU'RE GROWING A HUMAN BEING. At the end of the day, this is what it comes down to, right? I mean, how freaky and sci-fi cool is it that you're growing a human being inside of you?!? Fingernails are developing, brain cells, lung fibres, bones, eyelashes...Blows. My. Mind.
So the next time you think that being pregnant sucks, or you find yourself focusing on the negative, just look down at your protruding belly and think of all of the glorious advantages... ;)
When you become a parent, you end up doing and saying things you never thought you'd do or say. I'm sure this will be a growing list of things as the years go on, but I've discovered in the past twenty-one months are
FIVE THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY OR DO BEFORE I HAD KIDS:
1. SNOT SUCKING. Yep, hold onto your breakfast—if you have a weak stomach feel free to skip this part. But guess what? Babies and toddlers come with a lot of snot and the inability to blow their noses. WTF? Therefore, when they get stuffed up and can't breathe, it's up to you to effectively get the snot out of their wee little noses. This gadget here is by far one of my favourite contraptions. Complete with a filter and hose, you shove it up your baby's nose, and suck the snot right out. The only problem with this device? Having to pin your child down to get it in their nose in the first place. When all else fails, you can resort to what your mother gave yah—your own mouth. Sorry if you just barfed. I'm just saying, it's an option.
2. TALKING ABOUT POO, IN DETAIL. Especially with a newborn, it's important to take note of their bowel movements. How many times in a day have they pinched a loaf/dropped the kids off at the pool/dropped a deuce? What colour was it? What was the consistency? In the early days of having a newborn, your Google search will have a history that looks like this: what does it mean when my baby's poo is green? baby + constipation? seedy poop - is this normal? watery poo, what does it mean? how many times a day should a newborn poo?
3. REFERRING TO YOURSELF AS "MOMMY"...ALL THE TIME. Since you're always describing yourself to your child and narrating every single movement, you will find that even when your child is asleep you will say things like, "Hold on, Mommy just needs to get a glass of water." Even when you're talking to your husband. Or yourself.
4. "WALLS AREN'T FOR LICKING!" I lose a little faith in the evolution process every time I need to say something like this out loud, but sadly, I have uttered this exact sentence. Sigh.
5. BREASTFEEDING WHILE ON THE TOILET. Yep, I've done this. Baby awakes in the middle of the night hungry, so I begin feeding. My bladder is breaking, so... What's a mother to do? MULTI-TASK!
Now tell me, what are some things that you've said or done as a parent that you never thought you'd do? I know I'm not alone in this—so spill it!