So, I’m sitting at home bored because I thought I’d have a baby in my arms by now.
I was so good at keeping myself busy and distracted up until my due date, but now what?
The kitchen has been scrubbed, all my files are in order, and there is only so much trashy daytime TV
I can handle (which is usually 30 minutes worth) before I’m filled with a slothsome* guilt.
*Yes, I made up that word, that’s how bored I am.
Anyway, I do have something fun I’d like to share—even if it’s not news of a chubby little baby.
About a week ago, two of my comic friends and I got together to make our first “Mamamaniacs” sketch comedy video. It’s entitled “Information Overload” because one thing I’ve learned about being pregnant is that everyone has a book for you to read and everyone is an expert in everything. When did motherhood need so many manuals?
I hope you enjoy our first video, and stay tuned—there will be more to follow...
TODAY IS MY DUE DATE!!!
And if my baby is anything like me, he or she will arrive ten minutes early (I hate being late).
Did you hear that baby? No pressure though, I’ll love you no matter what. I’ll just love you a little more if you listen to me and come on your due date. (I’m kidding by the way)
I’m pretty sure already that there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you (and if you, as your teenage self is reading this blog post one day - don’t do that thing that you’re thinking of doing and then throw this comment back in my face, okay? I can still love you and punish you. In fact - it’s a way of showing I that care. Sounds messed up, I know, but you’ll understand one day when you’re a parent)
Yeah, that’s right - I already used the “you’ll understand one day” line, and I haven’t even birthed my child yet. Am I prepared or what? I just need to figure out a way to say “well life isn’t fair, is it?” and I’m all set!!!
Before I jump ahead too far into the future - I suppose I should re-direct my own attention to the fact that...I COULD BE GIVING BIRTH AT ANY MOMENT! And to be honest, I don’t really have a birth plan. Well, I sort of do - and it looks something like this:
Of course I have an ideal situation that I’ve been playing over and over in my head (like an Olympic figure skater, envisioning her routine) but at the end of the day I’ll do whatever it takes to deliver a healthy baby. If that means 10 epidurals (with one in the eye) and hypnosis involving the drinking of donkey urine - then so be it! I’ll do whatever it takes.
I’ll be honest: I’m afraid of induction, and I’m trying to avoid a c-section. I don’t want an epidural (I hate needles more than I hate earthworms) but at the end of the day, it will all come down to a single moment - a single experience in time, and I’ll have to listen to my body.
I’ve prepped myself with some labour music, labouring techniques, and a good sense of humor. I’m hoping that will be enough to guide me through the experience - and I just hope and pray to the universe that it will be a pleasant one.
I have a loving, calm, and supportive husband who will be with me, as well as a re-assuring, loving, and amazing mother. As long as I don’t get a crusty biznatch of a nurse, I’ll be all set!
I am curious though: do you ladies have any suggestions on what I should think about / consider when going into labour? What worked for you or what would you suggest?
No horror stories please, I have a vivid imagination as it is - but anything useful and positive would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks YMC readers.
I’m anticipating that my next post will be a birth announcement...
Alright ladies and gents,
It’s just about that time. The time where I will be pushing my body to it’s most extreme challenge to date: child birth.
I’m pretty sure Iron Man competitions have nothing on what I’m about to go through! (Okay, that’s a lie).
Phrases like “pushing a watermelon out of a straw” come to mind, and as much as I think I know what to expect—I have no idea what to expect!
These days whenever I get a particularly good head-butt to the cervix, I think “could this be it?” And with every blow to the bladder, I wonder: is my water going to break? Or am I just going to pee myself? I think of the date, and wonder “Does this sound like my baby’s future birth date?” (Because apparently, I think I have psychic abilities to know these things).
I’m reminded of a time in my life when I was 11 years old and was expecting to get my period for the first time. The doctor told my Mom that I was an “early bloomer” and that I would probably get my period soon. So, my mom had the talk with me and told me what to expect: red blood in my underwear. I had a private hidden stash of pads in my backpack (concealed in a ziplock bag, wrapped in some fabric, shoved in a make-up bag, hidden in an inside a secret zipper.) I was ready.
So every day, for what felt like months, I would wonder “Is today the day that I’ll finally get my period?” I remember mistaking the red fuzz from my Northern Reflections track pants as blood on my underwear.
“Mom! Come here! Is this my period?!?”
“No honey. That’s not even blood.”
(I wish I was joking about this story) Anyway, fast forward three more years and that is when I got my period!!!
I just hope that waiting for this baby to come isn’t a repeat of that experience. Otherwise, I’ll be pregnant for three years and I’ll definitely be going past my due date (February 24th—for the record).
As you can imagine, for someone who gets incredibly excited about things like myself, I’m finding it hard to be ultra Zen about this whole thing. Although I am really trying. Pre-natal yoga and all!
I try breathing down into my vag and saying soothing things like “baby, you’re welcome to come into this world whenever you like.” But then I quickly add, “...the sooner the better cuz I’m really freaking excited to meet you.”
deep breath... still trying to be Zen here....
When will be the day? When will this all go down? Tonight? Maybe. Tomorrow? It’s possible!
Wait. What was that? A contraction?
C’MON BABY WARMAN—I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ALREADY, WHY WON’T YOU COME A LITTLE EARLY SO WE CAN HANG OUT? IT'S FUN OUT HERE, I PROMISE! YOUR DAD AND I CANNOT WAIT TO HUG YOU AND KISS YOU AND TOTALLY SPOIL YOU WITH LOVE!
Your very excited and incredibly impatient Mom (& Dad—though he does have a lot more patience. Or pretends to at least)