Oh Cole, I'm feeling the weight of you turning four, and it's heavy.
Not every age comes with the same weight. Two and three somehow didn't feel so big, but four? This one is heavy.
When I close my eyes and try to imagine you as a newborn, it feels so far away most days. I almost forget what you were like as an infant, and this makes me quite sad. Though I know I'll never truly forget, because you are an extension of myself and my arms will always remember the weight of your newborn body.
I'm realizing now that these first four years have been easy, and the hard part is yet to come. The hard part in some ways for me, is already happening. I'm having to give you space to explore the world on your own. Your feelings are getting bigger with your age, and the questions are more complex. My urge to kiss away all of your problems has to be suppressed because I realize that won't do anymore. Yes, there will always be loving arms to re-assure you, but already - you don't always want those loving arms. You give me "air hugs" and say "no kisses" and I have to respect your wishes of course. So I send you over my love energy in an "air hug" and I try not to implode as I'm compressing all of my love into a wavelength.
I'm not always the one to put you to bed anymore, and you're okay with that. You never used to be okay with that...
Some nights, when I'm missing you, I'll climb into bed with you for a while and watch you sleeping peacefully as I remember how frustrated I used to be when it took me an hour to wrestle you to sleep. Already, that seems like forever ago...
But even though I feel the shift and a part of me is sad to let go of the little Cole, my eyes fill with tears and my heart fills with pride as I watch the big Cole emerge.
You are so kind. You are so thoughtful. You are so so smart.
You are the sweetest older brother to your little sister Maeve, and I'm so happy she has you in this world. To greet her every morning with loving kisses, and place a hand on her back as she walks up the stairs "...just so she doesn't fall Mumma!"
I love who you are Cole, and I'm happy I get to be your Mummy and watch you grow.
Happy 4th Birthday. I love you.
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