As I sit down to write this list, I'm laughing to myself because in real life I'm a pretty optimistic and happy person. Truly. I mean it! I like people! Most days...
So please read this list and know that I'm not actually an angry old troll who lives under a bridge. I just like to dress up as one sometimes, and vent. Plus, my husband has a thing for my angry old troll costume. *rawr*
6 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE ANNOYINGLY PERFECT
6) YOU INSTAGRAM-FILTER-THE-SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE: Okay, I get it: you're really pretty and have awesome skin. Okay, I get it: you eat really healthy breakfasts with spinach. Okay, I get it: your house looks like something out of the pages of House and Home magazine. Barf. Barf. Barf. Show me the selfie you accidentally snapped when you thought your camera was facing the other way, and then we can be friends.
5) YOU SAY YOU LIKE EVERYONE. "No, seriously. There is no one that I don't like." If this is a true, I can punch you in the face. If you still like me after that, I can punch you in the junk. If you still say you like everyone after that? Then I'll assume you're a serial killer and skin cats in your spare time.
4) EVERYTHING MATCHES. EVERYTHING IS ORGANIZED. ALWAYS. I know some people have serious OCD issues, so they are excused from this list. But everyone else: enough is enough! You are suffocating your creativity by creating spaces too perfect to fart in! You're so hyper-organized that your labeller needs a label. Just STOP! (This has nothing to do with the fact that despite my best efforts to keep my "junk drawer" semi-organized, in less than 7 days it looks like it was ravaged by hungry bears. But it's also called a "junk drawer" for a reason, right?)
3) YOU NEVER SWEAR. If you're super religious, I get it. You're trying to stay in your Worshiper's good books. But for everyone else? You need to swear, at least sometimes. Words like "Pumpernickel" in place of "F*cking-sh*t-balls," just won't cut it. Let loose. It feels great.
2) EVEN WHEN YOU'RE CAMPING, YOUR HAIR LOOKS AMAZING WITHOUT TRYING. Are you a genetically modified human being? What is your secret? I know this isn't your fault per se, but I still hate you a little for it...
1) IF EVER I COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU SYMPATHETICALLY LISTEN AND THEN TELL ME A STORY ABOUT HOW YOUR LIFE IS THE OPPOSITE:
Me: "Wow, I've been feeling so bloated lately. I feel like I've gained 10 pounds this week."
You: "Oh really? That's funny, because I've been feeling the opposite. I tried on some of my skinny jeans yesterday and they were actually loose. Weird."
Note: that isn't "funny" or "weird" that was just annoying as hell. Excuse me while I devour a box of doughnuts now...
So if you are one of "those" people who is always "annoyingly perfect" please, take note. I'll like you a little more of you loosen the f*ck up, and tell me the secret to your awesome hair. Oh, and if you want to come organize my junk-drawer, that would be okay too.