Hey, food bloggers: STOP POSTING DELICIOUS RECIPES!
Hey, co-workers: STOP BAKING AWESOME SHIT AND BRINGING IT INTO WORK!
Don't you know that I lack self-control on a good day? And now...pregnant? It's impossible to turn down your chocolate candy cane bark, and your homemade cranberry-white-chocolate-chip cookies! Are you trying to give me gestational diabetes? Or are you just trying to win the office pool on "how large will Jen's ass get?"
Seriously. The madness needs to stop!
*reaches over for a bite of a macaroon*
*licks chocolate off her fingers*
Maybe I need to think about this logically. Perhaps there is a REASON I'm so tempted by treats right now?
1) Maybe my body knows it will be an extra cold winter, and wants to add a layer of fat? Y'know...to protect me, and keep me warm? All the skinny losers will be shivering with their low BMI's while I smile warmly, wrapped in a blanket of my own rolls.
2) Maybe food has feelings, and it feels sad when no one eats it? Especially homemade baked goods? "All this love and effort was put into me, and now you're not even going to eat me?" (said in the voice of the Gingerbread man from Shrek) And then it cries itself to sleep at night.
3) Maybe I subconsciously like to be challenged and want to have to work harder to lose weight after the baby is born?
"You gained 30 pounds? Haha. I gained 150 pounds! My weight loss success story is going to kick your story's ass!" And then I'll have my own reality TV show.
4) Maybe we are on the verge of a scientific discovery that suggests that sugar and chocolate help fight cancer, and people will think I'm a genius. "I knew it all along!" *shovels a spoonful of Nutella into her mouth*
Or maybe...just M A Y B E...I'm putting a lot of effort into justifying the consumption of these mouth-watering treats, and I should really be paying attention to the sad pre-cut vegetables in my lunch. They must have feelings too, right? And the magical ability to talk and sing? I imagine this is what they're trying to say to me right now... (listen here)
Happy Holidays folks. I'll be in the back corner, guiltily munching a carrot with Rudolph.