So what is my favourite part about being a mom? (Aside from the irreplacable love, life-changing bond, and all that other mushy stuff?)
It's definitely the Mom Arms.
Yep. I may have sacrificed my vagina, and my breasts...and my stomach, and my butt...
However, I love *kiss bicep* my new Mom Arms *kiss other bicep*
So if you are reading this, and are saying to yourself, "I too would love to get me some Mom Arms." Here is how. In five easy steps.
STEP #1: Have a Baby.
Whether you push a baby out of your vagina, have one cut out of your uterus via c-section, or spend months / years / decades in the adoption process, you've worked hard for your baby—and now you have one. So congratulations!!!
STEP #2: Carry Your Baby. Everywhere.
I highly suggest never putting your baby down. Ever. There are many things to be gained from this:
a) They won't develop a flat head and need to wear a helmet.
and most importantly....
b) YOU'LL GET MOM ARMS! Learning to walk and crawl is really overrated. Then they just get into shit they're not supposed to. My motto is this, "Carry them until they can carry you." I understand there are a lot of flaws with this statement (ie/ how will they develop muscle tissue?) But whatever. Overlook it. I'm not a scientist. And guess what? Who cares? Because...
You'll have MOM ARMS!
STEP #3: Carry Other People's Babies
Once you're used to carrying your baby around everywhere, you'll need to up the ante. You'll need to start adding more babies to your daily work-out regime. So when you're out and about, hanging out with other Moms at the mall, show off your skills and carry their babies. Along with your baby. When they have to go pee, say something like, "No problem ladies, I've got this." And then skillfully cradle five babies in your arms. If you really want to impress them, pretend you've dropped something and then do a slow and controlled squat to pick it up.
I'm currently up to holding eight babies. Not that I'm bragging. *kisses bicep* *let's kiss linger a little too long....*
STEP #4: Use Your Body as a Jungle Gym
When you're at the park, encourage children to climb on YOU instead of the playground equipment. Monkey bars? Who needs monkey bars, when you can hang upside-down off of my incredibly strong Mom Arms?
STEP #5: Kiss Biceps Often
This isn't really a tip to help you get Mom Arms, but it's something important you need to do daily once you have them.
*double kiss biceps*
And, that's it. Now go out, and make me proud ladies (and gents). Take photos of your Mom Arms (or Dad Arms, let's be fair), and share them with the world. Be proud. Be very very proud.