Jen Warman: New Freakin' Mummy


My Not-So-Secret Fantasies

(This Is My 50 Shades Of Grey)

Most new moms can probably agree that the sex life takes a bit of a hit once you have a baby.

However, lately, I've been having some pretty wild fantasies. Let me share them with you...
*clears throat*
I have a fantasy that Johnny Depp walks into my room, crawls into my bed—places a sleep mask over my eyes...and lets me sleep.
I have a fantasy that Brad Pitt comes up behind me as I'm undressing for bed...wraps me in a soft robe, guides me over to my bed...and I fall asleep.
I have a fantasy that Bradley Cooper tickles my arm and whispers in my ear "have a nice sleep" as I nod off into dreamland.
That's right. I'm having SLEEP fantasies. That's all I want. And I'll take it anywhere, any way. 
I'll take sleep in a car, on a train, 
on a couch, on a plane. 
I'll take sleep with green eggs & f*cking ham! 
I'll take any sleep, cuz Sleepless I Am! 
I seriously daydream about what it might feel like to have more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep. I think I might even drool a little bit while my mouth is slightly agape...(It's a good look for me)
And I know it's all you hear from new moms "lack of sleep, blah blah blah." But I'm sorry—it's true. I totally expected it, and I know it could still be worse—but seriously...
I think of you...naked. All dark and handsome. You hold me in your tender arms and caress my heavy eyelids. My body gives into you as it trembles on the verge of consciousness. Oh...oh...I'm almost there...
(I think I just had a 10th of an orgasm)

Sigh. That was fun while it lasted...

Back to reality. 

It's 9:02pm and I'm going to crawl into my bed & attempt to sleep... (and by "bed" I mean piece of foam on the floor of my son's room so I can feed him easier and console him when he wakes up 12 thousand times in the night...)
PS. If you have any sleep tricks, please share them. I am allllll ears!