Do you ever think about what could have been? I find myself doing just that every once and a while.
Especially this time of year.
I had a miscarriage almost four years ago. My child would have turned three this month.
When my oldest daughter rushes back to school, the air becomes a little crisp, and the leaves start to change, my mind begins to wander back to what could have been.
I was very recently pregnant and now that I’m not, I have some pearls of wisdom to share. Think of it as a publlic service announcement that you don't want to miss. I’d have shared this sooner—like, say, when I was pregnant—but was reluctant to voice it all for fear of sounding hormonal. You know, being labeled as the easily dismissed and far-too-emotional pregnant lady getting herself riled up again, that sort of thing. Now that I no longer have to worry about that, I’m going to just lay it all out there so here goes.
I have three shifted ribs (subluxated if you want the technical term). Not one, not two but THREE. That’s basically three times the pain. I’ve never had just one shifted rib before but I bet it would be three times less painful than right now. That’s my logical rationale at its best right there.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Look around you, everything and everyone is festive and jolly and joyous. Or I should say, almosteveryone. I’m in my last trimester and I’m sorta wavering on that joyous part. Right now, I’m just feeling uncomfortable and more like a turtle that gets stuck on its back every so often. Not so bad that it’s not manageable but not so fun either.
I desperately need a new diaper bag. And not just any diaper bag, but the most practical diaper bag ever made. I know this sounds trivial and ridiculous, but it has become a dire necessity and I’m sure other mommies would agree with me. I refuse to have a newborn without this very crucial item in my possession. It just won’t be done.
I’m just going to put it out there. I cannot wait for this year to be over. I’m so done with 2012 and to be honest, I was done about 8 months ago. This year has totally kicked my ass and I need to get it behind me.
I think I’m suffering from a complicated bout of prenatal anxiety. If that’s not an official medical term, it totally should be. I, for one, can attest to the fact that it’s real and that it’s utterly horrible. So what is the root of all this emotional turmoil I find myself in? Surprisingly, it’s not the blissfully unaware baby that’s (hopefully) enjoying his/her time in my way-too-small uterus. What’s really stressing me out is the aforementioned baby’s older sister. My precious first child.
A number of things fall to pieces when you’re pregnant. They don’t mention it in the pregnancy books but it’s going to happen to all of us sooner or later. In fact, it’s already started happening to me. I was bothered and horrified with my first pregnancy but this time around, I knew better. I was mentally prepared and I’m about to give you the lowdown. You can and should prepare yourself as well. You won’t like to read what I’m about to say but trust me, it’s for your own good.
What do you do when you get pregnant after a miscarriage? Well, if you’re anything like I am, you freak out and worry about it. A lot. I got pregnant just two months after my miscarriage and I feel like I’m constantly worrying about ensuing health scares now. I didn’t have this constant fear with my first pregnancy and it’s sort of sucking the fun right out of the experience. I was so thrilled and jubilant the first time around but now I'm too scared to feel the same excitement.
I’m so sleep deprived today that I’m in an extra special mood, even for someone pregnant. The kind that makes me want to kick at the curb and take part in my own tantrum meltdown. Obviously I can do no such thing as I am an adult and a mother and we handle our bad moods differently. We take to our blogs, Twitter, or Facebook to lament about how incompetent the rest of the world is and how everything bad is the fault of the simple minded folk we must associate with. So that’s just what I’m going to do.
