Surviving Shifted Ribs

I have three shifted ribs (subluxated if you want the technical term). Not one, not two but THREE. That’s basically three times the pain. I’ve never had just one shifted rib before but I bet it would be three times less painful than right now. That’s my logical rationale at its best right there.

I’ve had a miserable cough for over three weeks and that combined with the baby kicking me ceaselessly means that I’m now bed ridden. Like unable to move or breathe without pain. Like I have to literally crawl to the bathroom. Good times, I tell you. The silver lining is that there’s a lot you realize when your ribs hurt and you’re lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself. Some of these awesome realizations include such gems as:

• DO watch documentaries or reality television when you’re bed-ridden. These are usually mind-numbing and will hopefully lull you into a nice slumber. Sleep is your friend right now.

• DO NOT watch comedies or tear jerkers when your ribs hurt. Laughing or crying is definitely not conducive to your condition.

• DO NOT try to wash your hair. It’s just not going to happen and if you’re foolish enough to try, you will inevitably end up in fetal position in the tub trying not to drown as the shower continues to run. Not that I was foolish enough to try but that’s what I’ve heard.

• DO shower quickly. The hot water will make your muscles spasm so try to be as fast as humanly possible. Faster than fast if you can.

• DO eat foods that comfort you. You’re going to be as uncomfortable as you’ve ever been in your whole your life so you might as well enjoy some comforting food. Even if that means a cup of tea with toast when you’re pregnant and supposedly gluten-free. However, don’t let your nagging husband see if he’s anything like mine.

• DO NOT try new foods that could potentially gross you out and make you gag. That gagging will make your ribs hurt more. Once again, not from personal experience but just from what I’ve heard. Seriously.

• DO NOT try to read a book to your toddler, who will undoubtedly crawl onto you because that’s just what toddlers do. It’s cute and loveable when you’re feeling good but not so fun when you’re in pain.

• DO read a fun and light hearted chick-lit book yourself. These books are good for more than just the beach and while I also love intellectually stimulating novels, sometimes you just need trashy fun.

• DO online shop. This one’s a no-brainer when you’re unable to do much else and besides, it’s the only the best thing ever.

• DO NOT try to Skype while looking and feeling your worst. It’s just not fun for anyone.

So there you have it. My well thought out and profound tips on how to survive a few days in bed when you really don’t want to be there but can’t do much about it. Hope these help you if you’re ever in the same boat as me—which is hopefully never because it just sucks.