chloe-girvan-mom-interrupted

Recently the term Nutscaping began surfacing in my online world.

As a writer, I feel it is my duty to stay abreast of world events and social phenomena. My dedication is such that I fear if my search history is ever publicly revealed, I will have to go abroad to lead a life of dark glasses (e.g. “naked Bieber”). My craft is one of great sacrifice, so I felt compelled to delve deeper into this latest selfie trend.

A recent article on someecards.com, written by Meg Favreau, defines Nutscaping as “the practice of taking a photo of lovely scenery with your testicles dipping into the top of the shot like some wrinkly, hair-speckled hell cloud.”

According to the esteemed nutscaping.com, “To Nutscape something is not just performing a humorous act, it’s a celebration of life itself.” and “Nutscaping, as already mentioned, is not the mere act of taking a picture which shows your gonads on beautiful natural scenery. It is an art and as such should be treated with care and dedication.”

Featured testimonials on the site credit Nutscaping with being both therapeutic and curative. “I used to smoke more than one pack of cigarettes per day. Since I go to nature to nutscape I have understood the importance of a healthy lifestyle. I stopped smoking and can finally breathe! God bless nutscaping.com!” - Bjorn Mettelhorn, Sweden

While I feel truly happy for Bjorn, all I can see when I examine Nutscaping photos (beyond the obvious need for manscaping) is the potential for disaster.

Ever since I fell in love with a urologist fifteen years ago, I have received an ongoing education on the topic “How Simple Naked Activities Can Turn Disastrous.”

My innocence regarding scrotal trauma was shattered on Valentines Day, 2000, when my cute resident boyfriend was paged and had to leave the restaurant to remove some sort of romantic apparatus that was tightly wrapped around a paramour's nether regions.

Time spent as a medical student had already alerted my husband to the unusual vulnerability of male genitalia when exposed to innocent, non-sexual activities. During a recent chat, he revealed that he once sutured the scrotum of a farmer, gored by the horn of his own bull. Interestingly, the farmer arduously defended the actions of the animal, claiming it was his fault for stepping into the pen. Years of witnessing weekend calls have taught me that me that a robust slap shot in hockey will rupture an unsuspecting testicle and that even the healthy sport of rollerblading sometimes ends with a dog bite to the dangly bits.

Dr. Alp Sener, Assistant Professor of Surgery and Urology at the University of Western Ontario, confirmed my findings that testicles and nature are a dangerous combo: “I once had a patient pass out after coating his testicles with honey. The damage done by wildlife required him to undergo a massive operation and multiple skin grafts.”

My intent is not to condemn Nutscaping, nor do I think for an instant that my motherly fears will contain this wildly contagious craze. Last night, as I explained the content of this article to my children, my son jumped off his stool to attempt the required position. I am no fool. Although my knowledge by proxy makes this trend appear dangerous, it also allows me to recognize that Nutscaping could encourage practices beneficial to male urological health.

The positional (and rather raw requirements) of Nutscaping, while artistic, also provide an excellent forum for discussions about testicular cancer. I would argue that if our beloved partners, friends and sons are going to make time to focus so meticulously on their testicles, we must seize the opportunity to encourage monthly self-examinations.

Statistics provided on the Canadian Cancer Society’s website estimate that in 2015, 1,050 Canadian men will be diagnosed with testicular cancer. Testicular cancer is the most common cancer affecting young men between the ages of 15 and 34. Men in their late thirties, forties and fifties are also at risk. If my suspicions are accurate, this age range may be a match to the Nutscaping population.

According to Dr. Sener, testicular cancer is often detected through monthly patient self-examination and presents as a hard lump or mass that was not previously present. Dr. Sener encourages all patients who find such abnormalities to seek urgent medical attention. Early detection of testicular cancer not only improves outcomes but may also reduce the need for post-surgical treatments like radiation and chemotherapy.

My in-house urologist finds that men will sometimes avoid going to the doctor even after discovering a lump. “Young men can feel embarrassed speaking to their parents or physician about finding a mass in their testicles. They need to know that testicular cancer, especially detected in its early stages, has an extremely high cure rate.”

So to all of you Nutscapers, present, future and never, please find attached a gift from those who love you. It is a shower card teaching you how to conduct monthly self-examinations of your testicles. Lamination is not included but please use it wisely. Thanks to Nutscaping, we know you have the balls to do it.