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Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself how you really feel about being a parent. Is your life complete? Are you happier than you were before you had kids? Would you change anything?
A new study asked just that of parents and the conclusion is we’re lying to ourselves to feel better. We tell ourselves we’re happier with our kids - but we’re not.
When parents say their children are the true source of happiness and fulfillment in their lives, they may be enacting a psychological defence to justify all the time, money and energy they put into the job, finds a new Canadian study. The study, published in the journal Psychological Science, suggests parents are idealizing their role to cope with the downsides of being mom and dad — namely, how expensive it is to raise a family.
“The well-being literature shows that during the years when most people are parenting, people tend to report lower life satisfaction and lower levels of happiness,” said study co-author Steven Mock, an assistant professor in the health studies and gerontology department at the University of Waterloo.
He and colleague Richard Eibach, an assistant professor in the university’s psychology department, set out to “explain the disconnect” between quality of life reports that consistently show low points in middle age and the common assertion that parenting brings all the joy one could ever ask for.
“It’s this cultural idealization,” Dr. Mock said, pointing to previous studies that have found the idea that parenthood is a trove of emotional joys is a myth. [SOURCE]
I’ve not been shy about admitting that while I love my kids, it takes me a while to actually like them. For Zacharie, it took until we spent a weekend together without my wife when he was 15 months old for me to really appreciate what he was about and enjoy time with him.
Reading it on the screen, it sounds hard, but I’m not going to sugar coat it - my life has drastically changed with children in my life. Making the transition from selfish to selfless hasn't always been easy for me.
To ask if I'm "happier" with children in my life isn't a fair question, because I am happy, but it's a different feeling. There’s a reason I call it babysitting instead of parenting when my wife escapes for an afternoon or evening leaving me alone with the boys.
Now comes the part of the study where I soften my comment to jive with perception that children are wonderful - I wouldnt change a thing. I love my kids. I appreciate the magic and wonder and enthusiasm they bring to life. The adventure of playing with boys is awesome. The sense of pride that fills my life when they crack a joke or conquer a life accomplishment is irreplaceable.
But ..
It's great being a geek dad.
My 15 years online has let me create YouTube channels, Twitter accounts, Facebook pages, email addresses and blogs for my sons. It's given me the skills to create small movies about their everyday accomplishments and the savvy to continuously play them back in the living room on our Apple TV. Who wants to watch Dora on an adventure when you can watch yourself on one?
I've seen many mom blogs where the moms write monthly letters to their kids and post them as entries on their personal sites. I think it's a great idea, you can easily collect those posts and bundle them into a book to give to your child the day they move out and start to live life on their own.
Then I saw this video:
Well done, Daniel Lee (or Google, after all this is a commercial for Google Chrome).
I have a Gmail account for each of my sons (part of the motivation was an internet land grab to make sure they could have a reasonable address) and I use it when I register them in sports and their school newsletter goes to their account.
But this use case is deeper.
Last week, when Derek K Miller died, I sat my son down and told him about it. He didn't fully understand either situation, he's 4. When I said Derek had cancer, he asked "he was cancelled?" Well, that's sort of on mark. But by sending him an email, I can give my son the emotion of the moment for him to understand when he's older.
Last year, when my grandmother died, I told him about it. He knew his Nan, as well as any 3 year old could, but by writing him an email and explaining the situation a stronger emotional bond to his past could be forged.
Geek dads know the value of plugging their kids into the web for nerdy archiving reasons, Daniel (Google) got the spirit of it. Get your kids an email address. Write them letters. Send them photos. Share your new life together.
You don't have to do it on a blog for the world to see. You don't have to put it on a Facebook page for someone to creep on. Get them an email address and tell them the story of their life through your eyes.
Thanks, Daniel/Google.
Mother's Day is another one of those holidays where men must genuflect before the important women in their life and apologize.
Just as with Valentine's Day, the impetus of Mother's Day lies on the man to stop down and say "Woah, I really don't appreciate anything you do 363 days of the year."
Dismiss Mother's Day as a Hallmark Holiday if you must, but it does serve as a necessary reminder for those of us who are on selfish cruise control most of the year to wake up and appreciate how Mom manages to get it done.
The sacrifices every Mom must make are Christlike. Giving over their body to our children is just the beginning. It's not a simple 9 months and it's over - that's only the beginning, just ask the #zombiemoms.
By giving us the joy of 2 boys, my wife has put her career on hold for nearly 4 years. She has missed raises and promotions, and has moved away from her home to support me and my career choices. Only now is she able to try to find work and is facing the stigma of employers questioning whether a mom of 2 can be loyal to a job. That is sacrifice.
Still, in our house, my wife is the command centre. While I'm blindly focussed on my "work," she's making sure cards are sent to family members who are celebrating. She keeps an eye on activities and makes sure my boys get inspired at art classes, soccer or library sessions. While I can take care of the cooking and groceries each week, she makes sure the house is clean, the kids are bathed and the snacks are made.
Do I take my wife for granted? Oh, yeah - you bet. I'd like to not be like that, and am thankful the second Sunday in May rolls around to force me to focus on something other than myself.
A spa session, a bouquet of flowers, croissants and coffee. It's not a lot, but it's something that says "I appreciate all that you have given up for the good of us."
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