Approximately 15-20% of the North American population are considered "problem drinkers." As a psychotherapist and someone who experienced problem drinking, I have lived and heard firsthand the stories of how easy it is to start, and just keep going down that rabbit hole. I hope to arm parents with tools to reduce the chance of addictions.
I turned to the memoir DRUNK MOM written by Jowita Bydlowska for further understanding of the strong drive to start, and not be able to stop, drinking. Bydlowska brilliantly communicates the blinding drive, or as she puts it, "the wanting" to drink beyond all good reason. In order to fully understand the power of this wanting, I suggest reading DRUNK MOM.
As each of the suggestions below are a topic all on their own, I will post resources too if you would like more information. Of course we can't guarantee our children won't become heavy drinkers, but being aware of these factors will certainly reduce the risk.
What is most important in reducing a child's risk of developing any form of addiction is openness. When a child feels their parent is open and reliable, she will also stay open and vulnerable. When a child starts shutting down to protect herself; the likelihood of addictions is much higher. Children are born with an open heart; it is our job as parents to sustain that openness.
Openness to me means allowing vulnerability and sharing with others when we feel hurt. Bydlowska explained this further saying one of the reasons she wrote this memoir was to show her son, "that it's okay to talk about darkness and to be vulnerable and broken. I think healing starts with understanding what ails us."
My favourite book on the topic of openness and vulnerability is DARING GREATLY by Brené Brown.
Parents sometimes shatter their children's trust in them without realizing this has happened. Distrust can happen when basic needs aren't met like hugs, food, or reliable shelter. I also hear from children that trust melts when parents do not keep their word or say embarrassing things/ secrets in front of them to others. Children also start to distrust others when they are shouted at or hit.
Some people turn to alcohol when they feel they cannot trust people to be there for them, to hear them, or to not make fun of them. If you would like to learn more about how to recover or grow trust, I recommend the book THE SCIENCE OF TRUST by John Gottman.
I am not saying we need to bubble-wrap our children, which could leave them without a thick skin. I am saying that the rest of the world will help them grow that thick skin; you can step out of that role.
Teens are more likely to try drinking, and allow it to sweep them away when they feel isolated, different, and that others do not approve of them. If parents call their children names or often speak harshly to their children, the teens might start to feel like the alcohol gives them a break from all of this.
Many of us were not taught how to be angry without hurting others/things so this skill is not natural for most of our parenting generation. Most of us saw two anger reactions: blowing up or shutting down.
It is possible to be incredibly mad and still calm ourselves down before we let our anger turn us into jerks or stonewallers. If you would like some help learning how to do this, I suggest the book PEACEFUL PARENT, HAPPY KIDS by Laura Markham, PhD. The book WHAT MAKES LOVE LAST?, also by John Gottman, has great suggestions on talking with partners when we are fuming mad.
The link between anger and alcohol is that teens who are incredibly angry and do not know how to get themselves through it, might learn that drinking dials down the anger. Unfortunately, they might learn the anger goes down, but it doesn't actually leave; the drinks just save the anger for another day.
The fancy term for this is "self-regulation," but I like to call it shifting from your freak-out mind to your check-in mind. This is where we know we are in panic or "lose it" mode but can stay in control, pulling ourselves out of this state and into one where logic sinks in. I think this skill is one of the greatest ones we can have as parents.
As with dampening down anger, people who are often panicked, racing around, or ready to snap might turn to alcohol to get themselves out of this situation. It is better to develop skills to make the shift rather than get alcohol to do it for us.
I often write about this and other parenting topics so you are invited to my Facebook page or past posts for more information. I also suggest following writer John Hoffman if you are on twitter.
Show your children what drinking for fun looks like—stop when you start to feel the effects too strongly. I have also put a boundary in place that I will move my children away from people who are intoxicated. As we live near a University, we have ample opportunity to show our kids what a drunken person looks like and does, and how that hurts themselves and others.
Again, be a source of openness. When teens feel they have to hide their alcohol use from you, they are more likely to get into trouble. I spoke more about this in my recent article that discusses how to talk with teens about alcohol/drug use.
Traumas such as the loss of a close family member, serious injury or illness, and experiencing an assault require the help of trained professionals. If your child has experienced something intensely difficult, consult your family doctor or teachers for a referral to a trusted practitioner to help your child through this challenging time.
When parents normalize terms like "addiction" or "mental illness," the stigmas fall away, and we can actually teach our children about the wanting Bydlowska describes and what to do if it happens. An excellent resource that explains the dynamic behind trauma and addictions is IN THE REALM OF HUNGRY GHOSTS by Gabore Maté, MD.
I realize these are all rather large topics so perhaps consider each point and ask yourself if you feel you are already doing it. If so, give yourself a high-five, if you are not but would like to, put the point on your parenting goals list.
Inspired by a wish to help explain how addictions are born, I wrote a novel called STRIPPED DOWN RUNNING. Actually, I also hope this book will entertain, perplex and inspire readers. If you do read it, I'd love to hear your comments.
Photo: Flickr Creative Commons Amanda In Wonderland
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